>What’s love got to do with it?


When two people fall in love and (maybe) decide to get married, how much of their lives and themselves are they willing to share with each other? At the very obvious level, couples share their thoughts, their feelings, their emotions. At another level, they share the space they live in, the bed they sleep in, the bathrooms they use. But there’s some bit of the sharing that goes beyond the essential. Like sharing parts of your life you wouldn’t let anyone else.

I guess every couple just draws their own line of what’s acceptable, what’s not. I think that where the line is drawn depends largely on how much space you need for yourself, how much of it you’re willing to give up comfortably. Like some people are totally okay with sharing all their passwords with each other – for their mail and FB accounts, ATM cards, e-banking stuff and what have you. But sharing a Facebook profile? Not okay with me. What, you don’t know a couple who actually has a single FB account? Yes, they exist, and leave you wondering how to treat their profile like a couple!

Me? I wouldn’t give up being the individual I am, even if it’s online, to be just a couple. And no, I don’t think it’s a deficit of trust, or a desire to conceal. It’s just that I need to be myself before I can start being someone’s wife, daughter, whatever.

I do know of couples though who totally (and happily) eat into each other’s space like they didn’t exist as individuals before. They have the same friends – if you can’t get along with both, you can’t be friends with either. They eat out of a single plate, share the same opinions, the same sense of humour, the same sense of outrage – you get the drift. And that’s because they’re so much in love with each other. Because by some inflated notion of love, that’s what lovers do – cease thinking independently, start mirroring each other’s reactions and think that any voice of dissent must mean that they’re out of love. Really?  No, seriously, is that it? Because that would mean I’ve never quite been in love. Do you have to have an identical other half in your partner to be certified ‘in love’?

You may find it a little difficult to convince me that the answer to that question is ‘yes’. So tell me, how much of your space are you willing to give up for your partner? How much isn’t too much for you?


22 responses »

  1. >Loved this post!Couldn't have put any better!I know many couples who share passwords and FB profiles! And millions who do the 'we're so much in love we speak the same language' thingie! Its crazy, if you ask me!And then, tehre are some who go as far as commenting on others' marriages and love when they see something different which in reality is normal!Again, loved this post.

  2. >Ok warning, this is going to be a long comment. I hear you, and I get what you are saying, but somewhere along the line, as per my observations, it has also been about age. As in the teenagers, couples in schools and colleges are more mushy, the kinds who would say the same things and do everything together, while as we get older, we get more independent. I guess that's also because when we are younger there are no real responsibilities to share. And as we grow older, the relationships we develop, their parameters they all change and mature too.However, if I think of couples at the same stage of life that I am in right now, I think everyone defines their space and sharing as is comfortable to them, it is after all personal choice right, and about personal comfort zones? But then, I don't know those who share a facebook profile, or e-mail ids!

  3. >im very protective of my space when it comes to my individuality and my food. same with pati. and that is why i guess we work well together. we can be home all day and yet be on our own all day sitting besides each other. yep i dont get the idea of couple fb profiles either. very odd.

  4. >I agree to what you said, Even I cannot imagine myself giving up my identity for being a couple. Doesn't works out for me. I mean if its work out for someone else I am glad for them but so much invasion of individuality is not my cup of tea

  5. >obviously there has to be a space division between couples as well…and that's when you can breath individually even after being in love :)but as you've mentioned I've too come across couples who have single FB accounts and such things and the justification is simple-they love each other very much :DMy husband knows about my passwords but that is only for emergency reasons if at all sometimes he has to operate my accounts or vice versa..but that's that ! Not in the name of love we want to diminish our individual identities and go on proclaiming that we're in love !!

  6. >@snippetsnscribbles: It really may be a case of to each his own, but honestly, sometimes I don't want to communicate with two people at the same time, even if they're so much in love!@Goofy: I think it's only partially about age, but mostly about how much you're okay with. For, I know couples who're not just my age but even older and have a common FB profile, or no friends except their spouse's.@Roop: Yes, the package deal doesn't work with me.@Prats: My point exactly.@Scribbly: True. The Guy also knows the passwords to most of my password-protected content, and I don't consider that an invasion of my privacy. But if he were to go snooping around in my inbox and accounts behind my back, I would certainly mind it, even if I have nothing there to hide.

  7. >I'm with Goof on this one. I mean it's okay for youngsters to go in for that kind of story-book romance – one mind one soul kind of thing. But if you're doing it at 30 Gawd you need a reality check. I think it would be abnormal…

  8. >i cannot think of having the same FB profile or email id ever. Yes, netbanking password, atm password are shared for convinience sake and not so much about 'oh we are in louuvvee' thing. I guess if your identitiy is just by being someone's wife then I guess I haven't ever been a wife.

  9. >@Obsessivemom: So you're saying it's understandable in youngsters? From one perspective, yes.@sscribles: 🙂 I agree. No harm in sharing anything, as long as you can keep your identity intact.

  10. >I don't know a single couple who have one FB profile. Though, I do know individuals who happily give up their independent identity to become a mirror for someone else's. For me, even the notion of sharing physical space sort-of gives me the chills. (Yes, my poor partner, whoever that will be) And so, there is no chance of sharing so much and giving up so much.

  11. >Its nice to be in love, get married and all that… But not at the cost of losing my individuality.. He and I are two individuals.. As much as I would love to share my life with him, I need my own space as well… Cant give up my personality…I know quite a few couples who share the profile on FB/Orkut.. I cant understand why… Infact we once joked- is FB charging them for making two different profiles???

  12. >lol!The DH and I don have a FB account, and everyone who meets us asks us if we are on FB. So, we were talking of putting a joint thingy! Needless to say, the idea was disgusting and has never progressed beyond tat idea!

  13. >I was squirming when I read ewhat u've described…….sharing an account??? I'd never share my passwords or bother about his.Come to think of it, I don't share my blanket or my bathroom.So there! 😉

  14. >I wud hav loved my gal to be like that..yups i feel that when u r in love boundaries shud cease to exist, and space shudnt be his or her's but then thats just a concept which hasnt happened in my case. Anyways its more abt accepting the way the other 'one' is & (trying) respecting it. There's love in both the cases 🙂

  15. >@Carpe Diem: Just read the other day about how more and more Indian couples are opting for separate bedrooms. So there's hope! :)@Soulmate: Haha! Perhaps, some people are just too lazy to bother creating two profiles. So they make do with their spouse's.@Dee: !!!

  16. >@Chandni: And imagine, some people even share toothbrushes! @Peenuts: I think I just need those boundaries to exist for my sanity. I cannot merge my lifestyle and identity with someone else's.

  17. >Well said! I have wondered at somecouples about how they can have the same email id!I think it seems like a cool thing to do such things when you fall in a relation or are newly married. Eventually I guess that the lady will end up managing the email address!! Me and my husband don't share accounts – individuality comes first!

  18. >Wouldn't give up my privacy that much. Imagine, my friend's husband sees my updates on FB!!! Yikes…I might not even know the guy or like him. I don't believe in being clones to be in love. Opposites attract. And it shows a great amount of trust in the relationship, if we are able to maintain our individualities.

  19. >Hubby knows all my passwords as I do his. But I don't want to poke into all his conversations and interactions and neither does he!When we do use the other's password, that is duly reported, not as a must, but as a general courtesy.A constantly partnered life!? How boring!!!!!! And regarding joint FB accounts, when you think something and he thinks something else, which opinion gets on??? LOL! two updates- one his and one hers? Much better to have your own page for your own opinion, methinks.

  20. >I'm too young and inexperienced to comment about the content..but from whatever i've seen in my family and around..i totally agree with you!its definitely food for thought.. that how much is too much!

  21. >I have those people on my FB account as well. I had done a similar post a few days back about emails and spouses replying to emails nto meant for them. It is just the most annoying thing in the whole wide world.the worst though, when i got back in touch with a friend from school, his husband sent me a request the next minute..someone i have never met and don't fancy meeting. WTF???

  22. >As Kahlil Gibran puts it You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.But let there be spaces in your togetherness,And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.Love one another, but make not a bond of love:Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loafSing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.And stand together yet not too near together:For the pillars of the temple stand apart,And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

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