>The Missing Link

>Another day, week, month, and soon I’ll be saying year, gone by. And it seems it’s been like this forever. But it hasn’t. I’ve been pretty ok all this year, better than ok actually. But the last few weeks have been… strange. I’ve not been more out of my element than now in a really long time. And I’m restless. I blamed it on PMS for some time, but that’s long gone. This is just discontent. And I have no idea where it stems from. It’s like I go to bed at night and I can’t sleep, because I don’t want to end another day that feels so incomplete. It’s like I’ve been waiting the whole day for something and at night I realise that it’s not happened. Except that I don’t know what that ‘something’ is.

I spend hours on the internet at night, doing stuff I’d long given up, like facebook. And even after I’ve switched off the comp, I fiddle with my BB, or play some inane game on the phone. I do not step out of my room after I return home from work, unless it’s to step out of the house. And I do not feel like making small talk with anyone. But I still do those things for the sake of appearances, or perhaps to fool myself. And I doubt anyone can even make out that there’s something amiss about my bearings. I laugh, I frown, I eat, I shop. But there’s no joy in it.

I don’t know what it is. It’s intangible. It’s not out there for me to get. It’s so many things, in so many parts of my life. It’s un- fulfillment, ennui.

I mean, there’s no apparent reason for me to feel like this. Life’s exactly like it was till recently, when I didn’t feel like this. But it’s not the same. Something’s snapped in my head and till I fix it, I can’t go any further. It’s been two weeks of consistently ignoring the nagging suspicion that this feeling won’t go away just one fine morning. And I’m still waiting for that fine morning.

This isn’t me. I’m irritable, snappy, bored, lethargic. At work, I’m half-hearted about most things, not driven like crazy like I was till a fortnight ago. But even as long as I’m constructively occupied, it’s okay. But as soon as I have a moment to think, the spirits sag, just like that.

I’m probably looking for something nice to happen to me. Perhaps I’m just fickle – need a change ever so often. Perhaps I need some TLC, some emotional pampering, some out-of-the-blue niceness, without having to spell it out. And that can’t be so difficult to come by. So why is it?


10 responses »

  1. >Are you sure it is not winter doldrums? Why don't you go out for a walk in the day time? Just go sit in the park or something. The sunshine, the shrieks of children playing, the birds and nature can be comforting. It always helps.

  2. >D, make a plan to come and visit me.. Will surely pamper you in a nice way… :-))The reason for vacation : X'Mas, New Year or whatever you want to call it.. Infact let the damned reason be.. Just come.. Set yourself loose… Till then, <>…

  3. >@Monika: Surprising na? But yes, even that holiday's been like a tiny blip on the mood radar.@Ritu: It could be, I do hate winters! And haven't been able to take out time for all those lovely things…@Soulmate: You're a sweetheart! I so wish I could just take off for another holiday…

  4. >I feel the same. I am okay at work and socially, but If I mention that I am kinda feeling blue, they are surprised to hear that, coz I am chirpy etc… but deep in my heart I know something in my life is amiss…and its upsetting at times. But there is no option other than shrugging it off and getting on with it. And yes I yearn for TLC and emtotional pampering as well….the lack of it makes me feel haunted and very dark in my heart…not a good feeling,but still I get on with life or whatever it is…Hope we both feel better soon!Childwoman~

  5. >Sometimes all it is is a phase, and before you know it something simple like a conversation with someone, or buying yourself flowers, will change it all. Dont beat yourself too hard, but find things that make you truly happy, and force quit the FB, BB and games etc if u dont want to be on them. Ull be forced to pick up something else…something you may enjoy a lot more. 🙂

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