>Another day, week, month, and soon I’ll be saying year, gone by. And it seems it’s been like this forever. But it hasn’t. I’ve been pretty ok all this year, better than ok actually. But the last few weeks have been… strange. I’ve not been more out of my element than now in a really long time. And I’m restless. I blamed it on PMS for some time, but that’s long gone. This is just discontent. And I have no idea where it stems from. It’s like I go to bed at night and I can’t sleep, because I don’t want to end another day that feels so incomplete. It’s like I’ve been waiting the whole day for something and at night I realise that it’s not happened. Except that I don’t know what that ‘something’ is.
I spend hours on the internet at night, doing stuff I’d long given up, like facebook. And even after I’ve switched off the comp, I fiddle with my BB, or play some inane game on the phone. I do not step out of my room after I return home from work, unless it’s to step out of the house. And I do not feel like making small talk with anyone. But I still do those things for the sake of appearances, or perhaps to fool myself. And I doubt anyone can even make out that there’s something amiss about my bearings. I laugh, I frown, I eat, I shop. But there’s no joy in it.
I don’t know what it is. It’s intangible. It’s not out there for me to get. It’s so many things, in so many parts of my life. It’s un- fulfillment, ennui.
I mean, there’s no apparent reason for me to feel like this. Life’s exactly like it was till recently, when I didn’t feel like this. But it’s not the same. Something’s snapped in my head and till I fix it, I can’t go any further. It’s been two weeks of consistently ignoring the nagging suspicion that this feeling won’t go away just one fine morning. And I’m still waiting for that fine morning.
This isn’t me. I’m irritable, snappy, bored, lethargic. At work, I’m half-hearted about most things, not driven like crazy like I was till a fortnight ago. But even as long as I’m constructively occupied, it’s okay. But as soon as I have a moment to think, the spirits sag, just like that.
I’m probably looking for something nice to happen to me. Perhaps I’m just fickle – need a change ever so often. Perhaps I need some TLC, some emotional pampering, some out-of-the-blue niceness, without having to spell it out. And that can’t be so difficult to come by. So why is it?