>Let’s talk about S-E-X

>Because that’s what sells, apart from SRK, I’m told! And since not many of you appreciated my honesty in the last post, I’m going to woo you back with what sells.

Also because that’s what we were discussing with friends last night over coffee. What? You don’t talk about sex with your friends who’ve been married long enough to be able to laugh off all the howlers in bed, the sexcapades gone wrong, the foolish romantic ideas that books and films feed into your head and which go flying out of the window once you’ve opened your eyes to reality?! Well, we do: we laugh our hearts out talking about how juvenile we were to think that we could sleep in nothings all night, wrapped in pristine white sheets, spent after the ‘act’! It doesn’t happen like that. And though it may be totally alright to not wash up after sex, who DOESN’T wash up? I don’t know anyone. And you come back and slip back into bed wearing nothing at all? Even in the three degree celsius winter? Between white bedsheets or duvets? Unlikely!

And that image of silken arms wrapped around each other all night is also an unsustainable myth. It means sleeping in one posture all night – physically impossible. And very unhealthy too, says docs. More than one of us got into the nuptial bed thinking we’d spend this precious first ‘night’ in our lover’s arms only to wake up with our backs to them! Because we’re normal, we turn in our sleep, we’ve got hands and legs and necks that hurt if they aren’t allowed room to move.

And while it’s a good idea to move around a bit and try new places to do it, hard floors and concrete surfaces just don’t work. The Cosmos of the world and all those who write in to them, please do explain how the bathroom and the kitchen and the table top can be anything but oh-so-bloody-uncomfortable!

And I’m sorry Vatsyayan, I’m not Nadia Comaneci. I exercise but I’m still not a gymnast. Nobody told us when we were kids that we must maintain the suppleness of our body because it’s going to give us more pleasure than we know. So here we are, using the Kamasutra as a coffee table book!

Of course, there’s the over-rated first kiss (which certainly isn’t ‘sex’ but the latter is usually initiated with a kiss) – the awkward moment when you lock lips and don’t know how much to open your mouth, how much to wet your lips, how much tongue to involve! If you knew the answers to all those the first time you were kissing and had this earth-shattering experience, please ignore my ignorance. I was all of 17 then, you see.

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37 responses »

  1. >he he he.. i love that bit abt "let me lure u back with what sells" 🙂 first up, i did love ur honesty in the last post, but didnt have anything much to say… two.. this post is really imp bcs it says sth that no one else does… and which kids this age need to know.. 14-17 year olds, who think that sexual prowess defines their place in life.. and that all is lost for lack of performance.. 🙂

  2. >Haha! The post is a hoot. Loved it! :)I remember a friend in college starting off his inter-college fests' public speaking events with "Sex, Sex Sex! Uh ok, now that I have your attention let's get back to the topic at hand."

  3. >What? You guys don't use the White Silk sheets? What about dancing in the rain in White saree so the the husband can you know…Hahaha I am just laughing at the thought. SRK and Sex sells-According to Neha Dhupia.

  4. >Ofcourse you deserve the honest scrap award D 🙂 Agree on the first kiss bit. So over-rated. The fact that I lived in small-town coimbatore where public displays of affection are a total NO-NO dint help one bit 😀 Imagine, one first-timer and one not-so-first-timer-but-shy-one inside a car, in summer. Girl wondering 'what should i do now','should I open my mouth? when?','what am i supposed to do with the tongue' 😀 I'll stop there.As for the rest of your post, give me a couple of years before I can come and say some wise words! :DGood post D.

  5. >I l-o-v-e-d this post sweetheart ! And every word is so true..of course what all is fed into our brains through books,tele,movies…is all a shooting done for which the 'act'ors get paid ;):)

  6. >Oh loorrrdd! WHY is this post so scandalous to me!Though an eye-opener for sure :-)Why are sheets always pristine white? Don't people have regular bedsheets with patterns on them etc?

  7. >err..not washing after the act..geesh..of course there's should be none like that !!! And yes we friends too talk about sex and laugh our hearts out 😉

  8. >Yeah, that was a good one…I have always wondered whether those postures were for real…I have not tried any of those only for the fear of being stuck in that position!

  9. >Finally! Somebody came out and said it…yes so true on all of those ,specially the wrapped in each others arms bit! Some things are just physically uncomfortable.I guess most of us don't talk about it, not even with old friends, because its awkward and while one partner may be comfortable discussing certain things, the other may not be.Also, sometimes just the knowledge that no one except for the two of us knows what we did and when we did it,makes the day more interesting.:D

  10. >@How do we know: Not just 14-17 year olds, but anyone who's having their first sexual experience and a lot of people I know were in their 20s when they did!@Purely Narcotic: Sex is such an attention grabber especially when it involves someone else!@Solilo: LOL, no! Do you? :)And yeah, Neha Dhupia still couldn't sell herself on screen!@Bones: I know! There are so many icky moments in one's love/sex life!@Revs: Couple of years given. Then we can get together, share some notes and laugh over them!@Nu: Thanks! And those MBs leave you with such a skewed vision of what sex would be like, especially the first time. Floundering in the field of love-making is so normal in the initial phase.@unsung: Scandalous? Really? You can talk about ogling at men and that's not scandalous but this is? 😀 Oh, c'mon! @Sindhu: We'd be stuck in that position if we could reach there! Chances are we'll never manage that ;)@MRC: Oh yes, I'm all for privacy in a relationship – I don't go discussing last night's bed-time stories with friends either. But once in a while, when the topic does come up, it's funny how everyone has similar experiences to share.

  11. >You completely deceived me this once! I thought just like f-word post the title would be *merely* an attention grabber, and that you won't discuss after all, what it seemed you would discuss! ;)And for Mills and Boons-kind of sex to be 'realized', I think both the partners have read it!! For instance, I have never read an 'MB'.Nice read. 🙂

  12. >ROFL D. And the concept of Suhaag raat is so over-rated. Everyone from the singles and married ones ( ?? ) wants to know about the details. LOLBut on a serious thought so many girls are scared of this sex part because of no education and discussions are supposed to taboo; they land up doing wrong things.

  13. >@Ketan: Oh yes! That's the problem – the men usually haven't read the MBs!@DIC: Thank you!@BM: LOL! I forgot all about the much hyped suhaag raat! And you're right – we need to bring a lot of things out of the closet and start talking about them.@Ritu: Why did you do that? Was he so bad a kisser? 🙂

  14. >So, did your post sell?? :)In my earlier team, our lunch gang had a couple of bachelors. And they used to make comments as if everyone has SEX every single day. 🙂 and they also said guys never say No to it. Serious misconceptions. 🙂

  15. >Now now…you've said it all…and your readers have said it all :)Its true…essentially fed on romantic sexcapades from M&Bs we girls take it too seriously…and yes…we do talk about it with our friends and not only laugh it off but also take ideas from them ;)And yes…even after workouts and everything…you can't be what Vatsyayana recommends 😛

  16. >embarrassing tit-bit: When the DH & I did "it" the 1st time, we were all like, this was it? this was what everyone does wen they are free.. sheesh..Now, we do enjoy the sex n all.. Still way overrated.. throw in some intelligence and things get hot!U know, I talk about sex to my mom and it freaks the crap out of everyone.. once I told my mom, I cannot make it to my uncles' house on time coz we were doing it.. My uncle's became all prudish saying u don discuss such stuff with children. Because at 26 & 28, my sister and I are virgins. Ha ha!!

  17. >Ha ha ha 🙂 I like the idea of Kamasutra as a coffee table book 🙂 And we also compared real life to what we knew as described in the Mills & Boons 🙂 This post brought back some hilarious memories 🙂

  18. >OMG..this so funny..and so honest..The first kiss and everything after was such an eye opener..darn those M&Bs for putting ideas in my head..and for all other experienced people not talking about it..PS: I thought they were black satin sheets..need to go check and then may be go shopping for the correct ones..PPS: I have a guy friend with too many ideas who got satin sheets and promptly slid down and fall on his face after skid landing on top of them..poor guy can never live that one down 😀

  19. >@Miss M: Till then, you can keep in mind to have realstic expectations!@With Malice: I wish adult in their 20s knew that too!@Bindhu: Just as girls devour MB romances, boys feed their fantasieson porn! So they obviously have an exaggerated idea of libidos!@Varsh: So we have a consensus on this!@Dewdrop: I don't like white sheets either.@Dee: Oh yes! Sex is so over-rated, but practice makes it better ;)@IHM: Oh c'mon now and share those memories! :)@comfortablynam: Black is as bad as white, I say. And I think it's high time I got ourselves some satin sheets to try sleeping on ;)@celestialrays: LOL! Slow motion just makes it last longer 😉

  20. >LOL D, Seriously Who does NOT wash up ??? And I hate hate satin or silk sheetsd. I want my bedsheets to remain on the bed and not get rumpled when I sleep. Silk sheets are impossible to sleep on. My husband and I bought red satin sheets when we met after an year of staying apart. I hated them so much, they never got to see any action whatsoever 😛 😛

  21. >Awesome post :)Last weekend some of us girls had a laughing riot over the S-E-X topic.. especially talking about how funny it can get during the trying period and later in pregnancy :PStill gets me LOL to recall! :DAll points you spoke of, absolutely agreed.Especially the hard floor bit..and oh, I don't think sandy sex on the beach is practical either :PMy first kiss was all about ..teeth, or how it got on the way. Bwahaha!..and I have really nice aligned teeth for that matter..donno what we were doing 😉

  22. >@Peenuts: Really? But be prepared for more eye-opening experiences!@Prashanti: Somethings that sex gurus swear by are just jinxed. Like sexy lingerie is for me ;)@alwayshappykya: Oh yes, those topics are also much-discussed. I have a friend who is a pro at dishing out advice to expecting couples on how to do it with the bulging belly!

  23. >this post was lots of fun to read!!Sex is highly over rated.. thanks to all the American sitcoms/movies/porn(!)..seriously.. pool table,disneyland ride.. are u kidding me!?

  24. >haha loved reading this post as did everyone else!! 😀 oh yes, reality does open your eyes. biggest shock for me was that i don't break into screams EVERY TIME and i don't want it EVERY NIGHT! haha about sleeping in nothing, umm err, i sleep almost in nothing every night. aadat ho gayi post marriage. just a satin-ish tank. i love the warmth of his body!!! 😀 can't have clothes in the middle. And there have been many nights we slept hand in hand … and wake up with hands still entwined. So yes, those myths do happen to have some base. 😀 everybody's different though, yes, and we shan't be expected to follow a certain norm that harlequin propagates. one thing though, bollywood kinda romance … where SRK gently touches the girl's face and she ends up in shivers … ahem that's something we don't see happening hehe. And oh yes, hard counters ARE uncomfortable! but surely better than carpet and its rug burns, i tell ya that. haha

  25. >@ bindhu: do guys ever say No?:| man, i must still have to step into real world. really, do guys ever say No??? unless of course if he is already fast asleep and would not like to interrupt his sleep.

  26. >@Nisha: Yeah, seems lika joke to most of us, doesn't it?!@Roop: Lifestyle choices. I used to sleep in a tee for the longest time. But sleep in nothing at all? Toughie.And I know there are couples like you who can manage to wake up like you go to sleep and you are the inspiration for lesser mortals like us ;)And Roop, guys say no, girls say no. In the real world. Where do you live, baby?

  27. >heehee…so funny but true….I still see sex and the city and wonder at how these women can do it everynight and still be sane…it feels as if they just live for that :)Your observations have been acute…not washing up after sex hahaha that would be so bloody icky 😛

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