>This one’s for The Guy. Because everything is alright. I like my job. I don’t mind the long hours, like I said I wouldn’t. And I don’t mind the food flaws, like I said I wouldn’t. I like Delhi, despite the pollution and the traffic jams and the long hours spent on the road. But I miss you. You should be here. with me, like you always used to be. This doesn’t feel like home just because you aren’t here. You are the only reason I want to go back.
>I ask myself that constantly. Constantly. I mean, it’s just so unreal how I’ve come to be here! The Guy and I look at each other disbelieving-ly, shocked at where we’ve landed ourselves. This was not part of our original plan, the one we made right at the start.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared. I’m scared stiff. I’ve psyched myself to believe this is going to be a lot of fun, numbing myself to thoughts of uncertainty and self-doubt. What else is there to do? I can’t go back now.
But I have a list of things that I’ve drawn up under the head of ‘Worst case scenario’ in my head. What’s the worst thing that can happen to me as a result of the decision I’ve taken. It goes something like this:
1. I’ll spend hours commuting to and fro from the office.
Upside: Good. That will leave me with lesser time to be alone.
2. I’ll have to work long hours, survive erratic timings.
Upside: Better still. That will leave me with still lesser time to miss Lucknow.
3.I won’t get enough and good food to eat.
Upside: I’ll lose some unwanted weight!
4. Office politics. They’ll all hate me, be mean to me.
Upside: I’ll better my art of ignoring irrelevant people.
5. I won’t be able to cope up, not at all, with any of it – the emotional and the professional pressure.
Upside: What have I to lose? I’ll go home just the way I came here. And be happy I tried at least.
And that last bit just makes me feel so much better. To have a home to go back to is all you can ask for in the worst of times. And I’m supposed to be having a good time! Nay?
(Posting from the phone as I wait around on Day 1 at work).
>You don’t know it’s a mistake till you’ve made it. What I’m going to do may be a mistake. It may not be. In any case, it’s a HUGE decision for me to have taken. I told you I’m moving. I didn’t tell you I’m moving alone, not with The Guy. To Delhi. Temporarily. And I’ll be back home, hopefully, soon.
It’s just one of those things that happen. Little pieces of the puzzle have come together to fit in. There has been no resistance from anyone, not even the expected quarters. Everybody who means anything to me has given their seal of approval and it has made the decision so much easier to execute. Yes, it’s been our decision, but it’s almost as though things have been happening on their own, propelled by some force that we’re oblivious of. In December, I got this very tempting job offer in Delhi to do what I’m most passionate about doing. It’s a job in the media industry and I’m asked to believe, a covetous one. This wasn’t the first time in the last three years that I’ve been offered jobs away from Lucknow, but this was the first time I was tempted. This time round, it seemed like the last time I could avail a longstanding offer. It seemed like the point of no-return, the road that diverges in Robert Frost’s wood; I had to choose the road less travelled.
After I left my full-time job in the publication industry in Lucknow three years ago, I had increasingly begun to realise that what I had left was what I was meant to do, what I should be doing. And if I consistently kept refusing offers to do just that, I had no one to blame but myself. I was getting this almost on a platter now and if I turned it away, I would be turning myself away from the life I’ve wanted. In the ideal world, I would have made the choice to work where I was best suited to without having to stay away from my husband. But this is not an ideal world. Saying yes to that job was not a difficult decision; saying yes to the idea of staying in two different cities was a very, very difficult decision. I don’t think I’ve still reconciled myself to that idea and may be living in some kind of a denial mode. It’s also called the coping mechanism! But The Guy has been the one gently pushing me forward to take the challenge head-on because he knows how much this means to me. He has been the one who’s virtually taken this decision for me, because I’m too weak to have taken this on my own. It’s a rare man who has the heart to let go of his wife because she has an ambition. That rare man is mine.
For a very long time, life had been feeling like the lull before the storm. I felt like I was on the precipice of change though I did not know what that change would be. For the longest time, I thought motherhood would be that change. Because I haven’t been childfree, I have been childless. It was only natural for me to think that the next big thing in my life would be a baby. I have a biological clock ticking faster than I can keep pace with but the good thing is I’m not stressed about it. Yes, it’s always there at the back of my mind, because it is important to me. But I’m not going to give up the rest of my life for it. I cannot do that for something I do not yet have. So when this job came up, it was almost as if there was a reason for how things had shaped up till now.
It’s not going to be easy, the road I’ve chosen. I’ve had a very comfortable life till now and there’s no way my life in another city will be anything like this. But hopefully…
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
>I’ve always wanted to write a whole post on how much I love my husband but it’s never been written. I plan them – on anniversaries, on Val Day, on days when I can feel the love. But those posts never come out. I can never say how and how much I love him. I can never say how much it means to me to have in my life. I can never begin to tell you about all the small and big things he does for me because I don’t have the words to say how they affect me. I’m a poor writer, looking for words, finding expressions which can tell you how much I am in love. And how silly I look being so incurably in love the last 13 years! I feel horrible that while I have metaphors and similes for just about everything else in my life, I have none for the love of my life.
I wonder if my readers will think I have nothing to say about him except in passing (?) Because that’s not true! I have so much to say but no words to say it all with. And my words belittle my emotions when I try to write about The Guy.
Of course, I don’t need to say it for his benefit. He knows. He knows all too well what I feel. But teach me the language of love I can speak and you can understand. Because love is in the air and I want you to know that there’s this man in my life who means the world to me.
>Because that’s what sells, apart from SRK, I’m told! And since not many of you appreciated my honesty in the last post, I’m going to woo you back with what sells.
Also because that’s what we were discussing with friends last night over coffee. What? You don’t talk about sex with your friends who’ve been married long enough to be able to laugh off all the howlers in bed, the sexcapades gone wrong, the foolish romantic ideas that books and films feed into your head and which go flying out of the window once you’ve opened your eyes to reality?! Well, we do: we laugh our hearts out talking about how juvenile we were to think that we could sleep in nothings all night, wrapped in pristine white sheets, spent after the ‘act’! It doesn’t happen like that. And though it may be totally alright to not wash up after sex, who DOESN’T wash up? I don’t know anyone. And you come back and slip back into bed wearing nothing at all? Even in the three degree celsius winter? Between white bedsheets or duvets? Unlikely!
And that image of silken arms wrapped around each other all night is also an unsustainable myth. It means sleeping in one posture all night – physically impossible. And very unhealthy too, says docs. More than one of us got into the nuptial bed thinking we’d spend this precious first ‘night’ in our lover’s arms only to wake up with our backs to them! Because we’re normal, we turn in our sleep, we’ve got hands and legs and necks that hurt if they aren’t allowed room to move.
And while it’s a good idea to move around a bit and try new places to do it, hard floors and concrete surfaces just don’t work. The Cosmos of the world and all those who write in to them, please do explain how the bathroom and the kitchen and the table top can be anything but oh-so-bloody-uncomfortable!
And I’m sorry Vatsyayan, I’m not Nadia Comaneci. I exercise but I’m still not a gymnast. Nobody told us when we were kids that we must maintain the suppleness of our body because it’s going to give us more pleasure than we know. So here we are, using the Kamasutra as a coffee table book!
Of course, there’s the over-rated first kiss (which certainly isn’t ‘sex’ but the latter is usually initiated with a kiss) – the awkward moment when you lock lips and don’t know how much to open your mouth, how much to wet your lips, how much tongue to involve! If you knew the answers to all those the first time you were kissing and had this earth-shattering experience, please ignore my ignorance. I was all of 17 then, you see.
>And that admission is just right for this post, because I’m being awarded for such honest admissions! Just when I was out of blogworthy stuff, came this award from The Double Inverted Commas (interesting name, eh?)
Thank you DIC, for coming to my rescue. And since I must tell you honestly10 things about myself, here I go:
1. I want to see the world, but America figures last on my list of must-see places. Actually, as of now, it doesn’t figure on that list at all.
2. I want to be an Indian princess or hope I was one in one of my past lives! At least I can have a dasi in this life (?)
3. If I listen to music for too long, it starts sounding like noise to me! I’m not a music person at all except on rare days.
4. Also, I’m not a TV person at all. I know by now you think I’m strange but honestly, I can easily live without television, not the internet though!
5. I’m not easily impressed. I can appreciate people and things, but I’m difficult to impress. What does impress me is intelligence.
6. My attitude to smoking is that of a vegetarian towards non-veg food, if you know what I mean!
7. I’m a foodie in disguise. You can never look at me and tell how much I think of good food!
8. I love writing letters, always have loved it. When I was a kid, I would write notes and leave for my parents in odd place. When my grandfather passed away, I wrote letters to him asking him to come back and hid them in newspaper stacks. I used to write letters for others. I still write letters, a lot of them in my head, some on my blog.
9. On most days, I love my life!
10. I’m moving.
Now I must pass on the award to honest bloggers (like me!), some of whom may already have received it already:
1. My namesake, Dee
2. Roop, one of the few bloggers who impress me with their honesty!
3. Goofy, who’s better known as Passionate Goof
4. Aneela Z, who doesn’t tell all but seems to tell what she does honestly
5. Childwoman, who may not even acknowledge this because she’s still trying to overcome the loss of her mother
6. Unsung Psalm, who is honest on his blog at least
7. Monika, who’s just had a baby and seems to be off blogging, but that’s no reason for me to not give her the award.
And all you award winners, the award checklist goes like this:
1. I must thank the person who gave me the award and list their blog and link it – Check
2. I must list 10 honest things about myself – Check
3. I must put a copy of Honest Scrap logo on my blog – Check
4. I must select at least 7, 8 other worthy bloggers and list their links – Check
5. I must notify the bloggers of the award and hopefully they will follow the above three requirements – Check