>My Best Friend’s Wedding

>Have you ever lost a friend to a marriage, or to their spouse?

It’s the hardest kind of loss to face because it’s not a loss anyone has prepared you for. One moment you’re best friends with someone and the next you’ve sacrificed your friendship at the altar of your friend’s wedding!

In the last year or so, two of our (The Guy’s and mine) very good friends have taken their wedding vows, both of whom we used to hang out with almost every other day, both of whom sat and poured their hearts out to us discussing their confirmed bachelor status versus arranged marriage, both of whom broke the news of their engagement to us before anyone else, both of whom went shopping with us during the wedding preps, both of whom had us dancing like idiots in their baraats, both of whom disappeared pronto after their weddings! Now, if you ask me to understand that, you’re asking for a little too much!

You see, I’ve been there – I’ve gotten married and been newly-married. And I’ve not lost track of my friends because of that. Nor has The Guy. And we haven’t asked each other to get rid of any friends because either one of us didn’t get along with them. How do I make sense of any of this then?

I can quite understand when you’re newly-married and the new relationship is taking all of your time and energy, but I do not understand how it’s impossible to get out for a coffee break once in eight months! Explain this, if you can. Just because your wife doesn’t like me will you give up on our friendship? And how will you explain this when you know that there’s plenty of time to socialise with other people?

As a couple, do you give up your individuality? Does marriage mean leaving behind things you did as a single person, leaving behind friends as well?

I take a long time to make friends but once I do, I give to them all that I have to give. Once I have given of me like that, how should I understand why you’re holding back now? I feel cheated. I feel like I was used because when there was no one, I was there. And now that there’s someone else, you dispose me off (?)

I know how the advisory on the ‘How To Handle a Newly-wed Friend’s Spouse’ manual goes. And I have done everything in the book: taken the initiative, tried establishing a relationship with the spouse, tried to understand what isn’t even apparent, tried giving space, even time and got zilch in return. So let me tell you that none of it works if the better-half of your best friend is bitter about your friendship with him.

I have finally given up on these friends and friendships. But I hold a grudge. And a fear – of my other best friend’s wedding!

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44 responses »

  1. >none of it works if the better-half of your best friend is bitter about your friendship with him.such insecurity is sign if immaturity or distrust on the spouse, according to me. if that is the reason, hope such spouses grow up and not ruin best friends bonding.. did u see that u are holding grudge, not with ur best friends but with the reason.. may u get them back one day..

  2. >Forget marriage, I've had similar experiences during the wooing period. (It is very much a given in the initial days but as you said 8 months is a long time) I got annoyed when it happened for the first time but later realized it was widespread. I find it amusing now and therefore don't resent it much.But yes, I've begun to consciously keep distance from such 'friends'

  3. >Hugs! I so understand what you feel, the hurt, the pain, the feeling of having been used. Think of it as a phase, maybe the friend and spouse are too consumed with each other,right now. They will return later. That is all I can say. It has happened to em a million times and over, and it hurts equally bad each time. I went for my BFF's wedding to Delhi, for an entire week, stayed with her through it doing everything a friend can, and post that she was too busy to even talk, it hurt. So when I say I know, I really do. The hurt will fade over time, and as for the friend, wait a while longer and see, they may just come back! Hugs again!

  4. >Hey, I know what you mean…Being married doesn't mean giving up one's life…I think it is your friend's fault for not standing up to his wife's unreasonable demands…He shouldn't give in…

  5. >hahahaha, nice topic. It's not just post marriage, i've had friends turn a blind eye the moment they (think) find their belle. And when they are in the dumps, they come back to their senses.Sigh!! I've given up trying to figure out such kinds.

  6. >aww D, i wont do the usual gyan here, i hear u way too well, and i feel the grudge too..but one small advice, if u will, dont give up on these friendships, they'll be back sooner or latter. may be the flavour will be diluted but it wont be lost compeltly.. did i make nay sense?? hugs darlin!!

  7. >@Vinz: I wish I was unquestioning in my acceptance.@mind space: I'm not sure whether it is insecurity, distrust or something else. I just know it's not fair!@Sangfroid: But how do you know before they are married or engaged that they''re going to turn out like this?!@Goofy: That's the bit that feels so foolish – the waiting. I mean, what am I – a side kick or something?@Sraboney: I try not to blame that girl but can't absolve the guy of it!@J: Sigh indeed!@Iya: And what am I supposed to do till they aren't back?! Wait for them?

  8. >Now D, we cant either say that you are spoilt for choices, can we? You can break all ties or you can take this as a phase which will pass on!!

  9. >I know what you mean, but different folks different strokes as they say. Some people stay the same post marriage, some don't. Its their personal priority D. As I am sure you have yours. All I can say is relationships, are like investments, just a lot more precious. So think carefully about what you do. And just like finances, we face losses here too, but the smart one cut their losses, learn from that and move on. I know I have. Only you can decide how important the particular friend is to you, whether he/she is worth waiting for or not, that you, and you alone can decide on.

  10. >ha… ot to marriage, but iv lost my best friend to another relationship…. and i took so long to get over this person and the fact that the friendship cant be wat it used to be…. only thing i never could accept that one must forget ones past when u start on a relationship, because i would never do that, and bcos i myself wouldn feel lik being in a relationship with someone who thinks so.. so thankyou for putting that in perspective… that there are other people who sulk abt losing friends to marriage…. I do

  11. >D: I can understand the feeling sine I have been on the other side of this aspect. I lost most of my friends after my marriage (or should I say my friends lost me). But then some of my closest friends, I never really lost them. We may not be talking/seeing each other every week/day but are still connected.Why it happened? Sometimes, my own life was too changed and occupied. And sometimes, the same thing happened on the other side. But then, with the best of the friends, you don't need to explain, isn't it?

  12. >Hey D,I am not in an age where my any of my friends are getting married, but yes, I have lost friends to relationships, which I think, is worse in some ways, and at the same time more understandable. Worse because I dont even know how resilient the relationship actually is, so it is stinging in more than one ways to see your best friend trot out of your life. I have ended up despising most of the boyfriends my friends have had. Now I don't know if the dislike stems from a genuine breach in their characters, or pure senility on my part. Understandable because they are young and naive, and are immersed in the amorous renditions of love.So, there that has to be the longest comment you ever got, huh?

  13. >This doesn't just happen with marriage. After when my single friends had boyfriends/galfriends, it was the same. I guess there's only so much time and you need to spend it on more important relationships (read family). Yup, friends fade away

  14. >We ourselves have 2 of our closeset friends sacrified at the altar . So I know exactly how u feel. & yes, I do not think I can ever forgive them, but we do continue to be friends & are happy to meet them whenever they choose to. But then there is this other instance where a seemilngly normal friend became very very close coz the spouse gelled with us so well.

  15. >Hi,I have been an ardent follower of your blog. Your post has touched a very sensitive string in my heart.. I have experienced it many times, and when it happened with my best friend ( a guy), I was very very upset.. I also thought everything you are thinking now.. but then I made peace with the fact that his wife may never like me… so finally I continued with the friendship. in whatever bits and pieces it came.. finally as Iya rightly said he came back ..there was a little distance , there is still but then we are still very good friends and yes his wife.. she still royall ignores me.. or just gives a cold smile.. ok.. thats life.sorry for such a long comment.. but i had to vent it out.. take care,rekha

  16. >@Iya: That's the problem with me Iya, I can't wait in the wings any longer to be acknowledged even though I do not have a choice. The waiting frustrates me!@Goofy: Exactly – if they've chosen to put so low down on their priority list, why should I be worrying about them? It's not in me to wait for someone who does not understand my emotions! I'm not that selfless.@avaran: I don't understand it either. In fact, I sympathise with people who have to break old ties to make their marriage work. I would never be able to make that kind of sacrifice happily.@Dil Se: I don't need an explanation, I only need a sign that my friend wants to be connected to make me stop losing my head over it and I can't see that sign!@Narcoleptic: Not the longest, just one of the longest ;)Like I said, I don't entirely blame the wives my friends have found because I wasn't friends with them in the first place. I blame my friends for being so insenstitive.@SS: How sad if that's true!@Monika, Ansh: I know what you're talking about… as couples you tend to find couples you can hang around with. But that doesn't take away from my grudge in the least bit :(@Rekha: I'm quite okay with his wife not ever liking me. I don't want her to like me except for my friend's sake. I know it isn't possible to have the same degree of affection for one person as you have for another and it's foolish to expect it. But it's difficult to continue with a friendship when all your efforts to revive it fall flat!

  17. >I have seen this happen often. The thing is to gel as a couple, one must gel with both people involved and sometimes the new entrant doesn’t share the same vibes. Then it becomes difficult for the spouse to continue to the friendship with same zest. Now if you are talking about individual friends then it is sad that people can’t keep up with old friends. That is why I wrote about a post on women friendship and how lucky I am to be still in touch with my old girlfriends and also at every new place, I make good girlfriends and make it a point to have girl’s day out and party to bond. But there are many who consider their spouse best friend and don’t feel the need for friends anymore. That’s when you start losing friends. Also, once a friend has a kid that too brings differences. I have seen this happen. On one hand the new parents becomes involved with initial perplexity with new baby and friends feel that these people don’t share the same enthusiasm anymore. There are many things in life that affects friendship. I believe the key to a good friendship is to be a considerate friend; to understand when a friend is genuinely busy and to make efforts to plan things that work for both parties concerned.

  18. >I wrote the previous comment without reading last para. Above comment was not about your situation but a general comment on why friends grow apart.D, if you have tried everything then it is just not worth your time. Just let go. I know it hurts, I have been there too but our time is too precious to waste on it. You deserve someone with whom you can gel with well.

  19. >I hear ya! I`ve lost a close friend to marriage too. And I know how it hurts. I guess such is life. Maybe(and this is just guesswork) the reason the spouse doesnt like you is because she`s insecure. I guess its natural, given that you`ve spent far more time with her husband than she has. BUt yes, whatever the reason or how unreasonable, this is not acceptable. Hugs, D.

  20. >th funniest part is, the person who keeps most in touch with me these days is an old girl friend who is newly married, and who makes a special effort to make sure her husb and i socialize

  21. >@Solilo: I agree with every one of those reasons and have encountered some or maybe most of them. And I believe the same thing, I can't be spending more time on a person who does not understand the value of my friendship.@Piper: I understand that she may be insecure but if after all my efforts, she can't get over it, that's her problem and I'm not going to try to understand it any further.@Avaran: 🙂 How sweet is that!

  22. >I'm visiting for the first time. Had to leave a comment as I could relate to this exp..Everyone goes through this I know. With a hope & vow that they will treat their friends better. I used to feel down in the dumps when my best friend contacted me only after 6 months of her marriage. I guess ppl simply move on.. During good times, I 've learnt to accept that people are too busy with their lives. Sad but true.

  23. >@lostworld: I would have been quite alright if I knew my friend's having a good time. But I'm just perturbed at how he can have a good time in a way that's so uncharacteristic of him! It's like he's done a volte face. That's sadder and true.@Sangfroid: Oh, ok. But when your friends are having an arranged marriage, there isn't any time to prepare for the worse from them, if you know what I mean!

  24. >ah well! happens to all of us at some point in time guess! sometimes they back and other times they dont! c'est la vie!and yup, thats not how it should be, but are things always the way they should be or we wish them to be!lovely post!! :)cheers!abha

  25. >I have had this discussion so many times with friends. But baring a controlling spouse or a particularly meek friend they do reemerge after a couple of years. Though it is never the same. sigh..Oh I don't remember if I have commented before. But I like reading your blog.

  26. >@Abha: But I still wish I could be so simple in my approach to life! You're right, it doesn't help to wish for a utopian world.@stringOfPearls: Thank you for delurking :)@With Malice: Nice thought. While I don't think I'd like to know all the people around, I definitely wouldn't want to hold a grudge against the few I know.

  27. >@D: gud to know that u will not hold grudges but i still stand by the point of meeting and knowing everyone who comes our way…once we open the windows of our soul and let the freshness outside riot our senses, we will find peace and harmony…cheers

  28. >Losing frends to marriage..i hav lost so many that i have lost count..once we were a group of 11 bachelors, and i was always surrounded by friends. Now 9 of them are married, and though we work in same office, we hardly even talk 😐 😐

  29. >I have been through this D. Friends who shared their deepest secrets with us were lost to their spouses… made no sense, but I have realised that it does happen. Infact I remember even teasing a friend about changing like some other friend had done, and they were like "But I will not change!" But they did change. We are still in touch, but none of the closeness is there now.

  30. >@With Malice: Hmmmm… food for thought.@Peenuts: How sad 😦 The side-effects of marriage are debilitating on friendship.@IHM: OMG! I keep asking The Guy's friends if they think he's changed after marriage because I wouldn't want to be responsible for having done this to him.

  31. >with great sadness i say been thru that loss… makes me feel sad very sad… sometimes i sit and remember those times and almost cry but sigh its the truth of life

  32. >actually isnt flux embedded in friendship? sometimes you outgrow and pull out of a friendship for whatever reasons – geography, lack of space, blah blah…and sometimes the friend outgrows and pulls out for whatever reasons — geography, lack of space, blah blah….marriage, comes under blah blah.the blah blahs may change…but flux is a given.

  33. >and if you are the single friend losing friends to matrimony its even harder ! my rrom mate left 3 years back and i had to move in to a smaller apartment…i took me a long time to understand! she is still a great friend but earlier we used to count our time together in years now we count it in minutes..

  34. >@With Malice: Been there, done that 🙂 And hey, I'm totally vella!@Monika: 😦 How sad!@MiM: Yes, that may be true but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the hurt.@divya: I can imagine! I hope I'm not lost to my single friends because I'm married…

  35. >aww thats sad :(i have had such friends too..and the only thing that eventually happens is that i move on without expectations. What it has done so far is to kill whatever expectations i can have from any new relationship

  36. >@D: now i'm beignning to freak out as I read through some of your posts! They are strikingly similar to my thoughts. I'm not anonymous to most of my friends hence I've not blogged about a same incident that happend with me only a few months back. It left me very hurt but the friend in the picture does not care. So my husband & i are trying not to think of it. Not much of a choice. I was thinking of blogging about it but I'm still in two minds.

  37. >Hi,I've been on the other end of this equation, newly wed spouse trying to make friends with very close friends(a married couple) of my hubby's bachelor days.Sometimes the friends and the new spouse are just too different to click and/or there may be an element of jealousy involved(this woman has behaved as if she and only she should be the centre of everybody's universe).In our case,they're still friends,but not as close,mainly because the hubby has observed without being told the generally dismissive behaviour of these friends towards me,over the course of the last 6 years.Thankfully this couple is an exception and I get along very well with all his other good friends from his bachelor days.

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