>And this is the right way for me.

>

I’ve always believed that reactions achieve little and that when it’s a war of words, silence is golden. There is no sense in speaking when others are shouting. And that is the thought I’ve kept with me during the last few days. What is the sense also of explaining yourself to people who have already made up their minds? I’m not here to win a popularity contest and to prove to every single person reading me that the only “right way” to do things is my way. No, it isn’t and I don’t want it to be. I could be wrong, so could be you. Are you here to convert me to your point of view, because I’m not here to convert you to mine?

However, I’ve been told by friends that silence could also be taken for acquiescence. And I have readers asking me questions which I feel is unfair to ignore. A lot of you have already judged me on the basis of assumptions made by someone else. And whether they are assumptions or facts is a matter of belief – your belief in someone’s word. I could tell you the facts but if you don’t have faith in me you would still believe somebody else’s assumptions of me.

On the other hand, if I do not give you the facts you do not have a choice to believe in my word. And I want to give you that choice.

The truth is that no post of mine, especially not this one, was written as a reaction to anyone else’s post or comment. I don’t remember ever writing anything in reaction to what some other blogger has said, so why would I do it now?

It is extremely painful for me to have to explain a post such as that because it was written from the most vulnerable part of my heart. Let it suffice to say that I wouldn’t ever write about my parents on my blog if I was leaving them open to judgement. And I did write about my mother in this post, the same post in which I wrote about my friends – some of who read this blog, the same post in which I talked about a mommy blogger. If I wanted you to judge the mommy blogger, I would also be expecting you to judge my friends and mother, wouldn’t you say? And I fight tooth and nail to protect both those people from any criticism – justified or otherwise.

If a fellow blogger was talking about me in the same breath as the people she so cherishes, I wouldn’t ignore that. Of course, that is not to be taken as the slightest hint that the blogger does mean to me as much as my mother or my friends – no blogger does. It simply means that the post was not written with the intention of being “manipulative”, to prove a point and was entirely about my feelings vis-à-vis what they say about my being a non-mother (for lack of a better word). Why anyone would think that they have been “misrepresented” is not for me to answer.

So why did I approve the “abusive” comment on my blog by a person called Ayona, you will now ask. Here’s why: because a). no one was named in the comment and I did not think there would be people ready to claim the epithet that Ayona used in her comment b). because I was totally in agreement with Ayona when she/he said that the blogger should be ignored c). because I did not think “bitch” was such a big deal. Yes, I said that! Everyone uses language differently – for me “bitch” isn’t a person’s character assassination. May be you don’t think so, I’m fine by that. But that’s how I think. I wouldn’t take the high moral ground and call it “unparliamentary”. If it were that for me, I wouldn’t play on the word again two posts later!

Perhaps, you think I should have made that clear before agreeing with an anonymous comment. But like I heard someone say, “if you’re going to dissect each (comment), you’re sure to find plenty to object to.”

Also, there’s a lot been said about how I confirmed on email that I was in fact talking about the specific mommy blogger who had mailed me. I DID NOT. Again, it is my word against someone else’s but just for the record: I was mailed asking if the post in question was about her, as someone had told her it was. My reply was, “The post is entirely about me and nobody else.” Which was accepted as the truth but with the rider that I was not expected to be approving comments such as the one Ayona left on my blog. To which I replied, “Irrespective of what is expected of me, I wouldn’t mind calling someone who makes me cry ‘an insensitive bitch’, mommy blogger or otherwise!”

Did I call the blogger who emailed me an “insensitive bitch”? No. However, to someone who is convinced that the post is about them, it may certainly seem offensive.

I do understand that much but I do not understand why that assumption could be turned into something so ugly. I do not understand the unnecessary need to talk about my uterus when I’m not talking about hers! You call that gutsy, I call it foolish. Let’s argue it.

I also do not understand why bloggers who have been reading me said they were shocked but did not bother to ask what my side of the story was. At no point did I turn off comments. If I had to do that, why would I turn them on two days later? As soon as I knew there was a problem with posting comments on my blog, I attended to it. And there was always the email address given in my profile that I could have been contacted on. Some of you used it, thank you.

I’m not quite happy with the idea of my blog becoming any kind of battle ground. But I haven’t been given much of an option. If I don’t publish criticism about me, I’m being manipulative/sneaky/cunning/cowardly – take your pick. But if I do, I must also publish comments against people who’ve raked up this whole controversy. However, I wouldn’t want you to use my blog as a platform to vent your ire against anyone else.

Hopefully, I’ve said all that there was to say to this. If you still don’t get it, you may be wasting your time here. Can we now move on?

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48 responses »

  1. >What a neat way to put an end to all that DRAMA! To-the-point, apt, pragmatic and seems frank too to me! Nice one D! I dont know the background (if any) that led to all that melodrama, nor did I sense any 'udercurrents'… but by merely taking it by face-value… I can clearly see that you have emerged out clean… and the person who created all that mess in the name of 're-action' is smeared with that very mess!PS: I was one of MM's readers who did not even know of you before all this mess happened. And I had absolutely nothing against her (as i never used to read the comments on her posts). Unlike how she says now, that whoever is not agreeing to that post of hers had some grudge against her, like being ignored by her on facebook etc. (seriously how lame is that!), I absolutely didnt share ANY bitterness with her, and had no reason to speak against her except that I felt shes talking crap now… infact I had earlier complimented her on some of her posts… I even liked her until the drama happened! I was shocked to see the comments section of her post about your blog! Its like suddenly I get to see the new dark side of her… which I didnt know always existed on her comments sections! I cudnt help but not ignore the kind of bullying, hypocrisy and manipulation that were happening there! I just cudnt stay there anymore! However, one good thing that came out of all that is, I was introduced to yours and Roop's blogs. 🙂

  2. >Hi D.. I never read you before this drama and I am glad it happened coz I discovered a fab blog 🙂 I think you handled this in the most mature way possible by taking the high road.

  3. >D, I should have said what I wanted to, the first time I read the post and assumed (rightly or wrongly) that you were hurt by MM. I didn't feel like acting like her PR agent but I did want to tell you that when we are talking about physical attributes such as grey hair, long nose, small boobs (criticizing implants and padding), wrinkles etc it should be okay to say, you have no right to judge the person because you don't have the said attribute (yet!). Its not an insult but more of a defense for a shortcoming. If you have the same shortcoming like stretchmarks and you still feel they should not be displayed then your argument will carry more weight. Why I am saying this now.Because I can understand where you were coming from.Because I can understand why MM reacted the way she did.I am sorry that I said the least you can do is own up. Its none of my business. You felt hurt. You blogged. MM felt hurt. She blogged. Fair and Square. People commented in each of your blogs. Niether one of you owes an apology to the other. I can understand and empathize with each of your reactions. I could see it was a communication gap. The "bitch" part bothered me but you are right may be you do use the word lightly. Now let me use that patronizing tone that annoyed me so much (Not yours)…As an objective person, who is not closed to anyone involved, I think I can say that people used you to make a point about how they feel about a person. I am not taking sides. I was never on MM's side or yours. But the rest of the world made it look like a high school with school girls sniggering in the back because they can't take someone's popularity. People who claimed that MM is very rude said such insulting things themselves that they have lost all credibility. And it brings to mind past posts making fun of someone's raw feelings about their insecurities (which they have conveniently taken down now). Its so high schoolish. And so let me borrow your word and use it lightly " very bitchy on their part".And the worst is masking insults and name calling as innocent questions and remarks- totally like an Ekta Kapoor serial where women don't bash each other openly but find other ways to put people down while they pretend before men that they are saints. In those serials men might be such idiots who can't see through it but intelligent women who read both blogs are not. And thats what led into this becoming what it has now.Since you never came across as having a personal agenda, I hope when this is all over, you will be able to see it for what it really was- a sort of witch hunting.Now that you have been supported, you might feel it a moral obligation to criticize me and show loyalty. Feel free. I just want to say I never had anything against you. I am sorry for implying you owe anybody an apology.

  4. >Wonderfully written D! I never asked you for an explanation on this, simply because I never felt you owe me or anyone else one. But this post clears even the small doubt there might have been. I have said it before, I am saying it again, I admire your ability to have taken this silently without any crass outburst.

  5. >Hey D,That was a nice, clean and sensible post, which I am glad you wrote because in such random blog wars, silence is never really golden. I am still wondering what in your email to MM was "unparliamentary"? Bitch? She thought bitch was rude and "unparliamentary"? This from someone who once did a post about how she uses a lot of swear words etc.! Anyway, I am glad you guys have clarified where you were coming from. And sometimes, that is all one can get!

  6. >well said, D, as always. no one ever knew your story … so i am not sure how the assumptions were made in the first place. imagine all this fueled with an assumption … just an assumption … a gut feeling … exactly now how other views are being fueled with an assumption that i was jealous of MM's popularity to pursue what i felt was right. i've always argued with MM when i've disagreed with something. what's new? oh, i guess, some things never change. people always need someone to blame perhaps to feel better about themselves. you were at the receiving end for a while. i will be for another some time. and then there will be someone else soon. life goes on. 🙂 glad this mess is over for you. good to see you write about this.

  7. >@Chrysalis: Good for you! But you do follow this other blogger as well, so I'm just surprised you don't know the phull kahani… @Sakshi: You know Sakshi, before this, I hadn't much against her either. Now I do!@Anon: Thank you. I wish though I had a name to call you with!@Aneri: Hi!@Tearsndreams: I think you're talking about the stretch marks post and the consequent comments here? Totally unnecessary because there's no point in starting off on that tangent again. If you did not read my comments or understood them or replied to them then, what purpose will discussing them now achieve?And also, just as it is none of your business to tell me what to do, it is not your business to sit in judgement on what is fair and what is not. And I say that because you still aren't ready to accept that I didn't blog because of what one person said to me. Like I explained, it wasn't about any one person except me. If you can accept that premise, good, if you can't you're choosing to see facts as you want to. And that's where we should part ways.Also TnD, please don't assume that if someone has an opinion about MM that isn't flattering, it's because they are jealous of her popularity. You don't know that for sure, do you? And isn't that what MM wants – that if people have a grouse with her they should be straightforward enough to say so – with names and links? And since I didn't come across as having a personal agenda, TnD, what makes you justify a blogger who attacks my post for precisely that reason – a masked personal agenda against her?Lastly, I was quite fine without your support too so feel free to withdraw it. That would say something about your loyalties.

  8. >@GM: I'm glad for that myself.@Madhu: I'm glad too that I have clarified. It seems like a huge weight off me!@Roop: Which is exactly what I told TnD regarding the "jealous of her popularity" bit. It is again an assumption.

  9. >The reason i didnt ask u for an explanation was simple – there was nothing to explain at all. There WAS no controversy, as far as I am concerned. So it wasnt like we didnt want ur side of the story, it was simply that there was NO story in the first place. just a lot of brouuhahaha..Hope the eye is better. And so is the foot! Take care!

  10. >Hey D,A well written post.As someone pointed baove, I have been a big fan of MM and though her blog's comments I have found many new blogs including yours.I started reading your blogs some months back – you write so beautifully – and i can relate to u so much .. 29 and long married and no kids etc ..but anyways back to the debate …for some reason after this incident, I feel MM is insecure and somehow all of us came to see a very dark side of hers.I will still continue to read her coz she writes abt such varied topics .. but she was one of the person I really wsihed to meet one day and stuff like that …now i feel she is such a adamant person who wants the whole world to agree with her..i pity the OAthats all !!!

  11. >An intelligent assumption because people kept talking about weird rituals and worshipers etc.My assumption even says that this would have gone unnoticed had their been no comments to her post. So yes in my mind it all ties back to popularity. And then I remembered a few uncalled for posts about making fun of her claims that her husband is good looking (the post is gone now). So yes I made assumptions based on what I saw.I made that assumption/connection about your post being a result, if not a response. I believed you when you say here that it wasn't a response but I maintained it was a reaction. May be I am wrong there. But since its a public thing, I am glad you are still denying it. Helps me not feel guilty about my judgments now.

  12. >Hey D, a lot seems to have happened while I was away. I`ve read through the posts(didnt have the interest to go through the comments though!) and all that I`d like to say is this(just what Goofy Mumma said) – I love the way you have written this post. No melodramatic outbursts. No derisive 'its my blog, so f^%# the rest of you' comments! Just a sensible laying of cards on the table! 🙂 No wonder I love reading your posts! :):)

  13. >D it took me full of 15 mins. to figure out who I follow and very obviously have not been reading. But now I know and so do u as to why I am in the dark. How are holiday plans coming up?

  14. >Hi D: Must say, I found the way you've handled this as extremely graceful and mature. Kudos!Like many others have commented, there really was nothing to explain at all. You're a sweetheart. Keep the faith!

  15. >I really don't know what to say in this matter because i really have no idea what MM wrote. i still have not bothered to check out the blog.But i'm glad you got this off your chest. speaking out is always the best way, though not everyone appreciates it. But if it makes you feel better then always say what's in your heart in the best possible way. I think you did just that here and I'm sure everyone is ready to leave this 'issue' aside now. Cheers!! :)Now if I was Ekta Kapoor ;), imagine the masala I would have got out of all the episodes in the blog world 😀

  16. >@How do we know: So glad you say that! @Anamika: Like I said, she's lost my respect as well. But I wouldn't go as far as to say I pity OA!@TnD: This is the last comment of yours that I'm publishing here. I don't think you're quite getting the point of this post and briging up issues unrelated to it. If you have so much to say, get a blog! And as for you feeling less guilty because I'm denying your faulty judgements – wow! I mean WOW! How does your brain work??@Chrysalis: Oh! Ok. Holiday plans are tentative.@Thoughtsafari: Thank you :)@Sangroid: Who's that?

  17. >D, If I am not wrong then that was the first post of yours I read and commented and then when I read the whole different take on other blog, I was surprised because frankly I had no clue. I couldn't make the connection and I commented the same on the other blog too.I thought your post was an aftereffect of some real life incident, something similar to my latest post.I still don't find anything wrong with your post and I continued my visit here because I like your posts. Having said that, I wish that this post could have come a bit earlier just for the blogging community's sake because I don't support that followed the whole drama. It is easier to fuel up misunderstandings in virtual life due to lack of proper communication. Some posts and some comments were way out of line and could have been avoided. In the end, let it be, as your blog address says :). Let us all forget and move on. You keep writing the way you always do and you have got another regular reader here.

  18. >D, I have always loved both yours and MM's blogs. SO when I commented on your post, I was rather moved and touched by your sensitivity in writing. And later I read about it in MM's post and I felt cheated. As a result my comment was an outrage. But it never stopped me from coming back to your blog just to check whether you would clarify things. And I must say you have done it beautifully. You seem to be so much at peace while writing this and I really admire this quality of yours. I was upset about the troll being agreed upon and now I see that maybe you never saw it as outrageous. As Solilo says, let it be, and let us move on for there are many readers who love both of you for your blogs.

  19. >Calm, composed, collected, restrained and polite. I really admire how you've written this and laid your cards on the table. I should learn from you, this is how I would love to be.You're something else, D! Bruises, eyes any better now?

  20. >@A: Initially, I did not think speaking up would help matters. And I was very, very angry at some comments especially regarding my relationship with my mother. And I had to let that anger cool off before I could say what I wanted to say.@Solilo: I'm glad I waited this long because in the inetrim, people have shown their true colours.@sscribbles: 🙂 I have nothing to say to you. @DewdropDream: Thank you 🙂 And I'm just fine now.

  21. >i tried commenting you eye and bruised post but cudnt thanks to the comments probs you were having!i like both your and MM's blogs and am not gonna change that because my loyalties lie with neither! period!and so even though i might not completely trust her getting upset or your denial, but heck, that shouldnt make any difference to either of you!hope the eye is doing better!cheers!abhaps: does blr feature in holiday plans?!

  22. >Though I read both the blogs and read all the those posts and comments where too much was splashed across, I seriously liked the way you maintained your dignity and respect by keeping quiet. Actually speaking, even if you had not brought up this post(which in my opinion was not needed, since I dont think there was anything to explain), it wouldnt have made any difference to people who can actually think. Not to gain any brownie points, but hats off to you for handling it all so well… – Poonam

  23. >a lot has happened while i was sleeping (err… disconnected from the blogworld due to my non-functional internet)… hope all is okay now.

  24. >@Abha: I don't need loyalty from my readers, just some intelligence and you seem to have plenty of that :)@Monika, Ansh: Good for you! *Hug back*Poonam: Thank God there were people like you who didn't actually take silence fo acquiescence!@Mampi: I hope so too!

  25. >D,I'm a regular reader over at MM's & ever since this whole episode happened, I, for one, was waiting to know your take on it. I was rather surprised to see you dormant inspite of all the unnecessary acrimony but now I'm glad you realised that "that silence could also be taken for acquiescence" [your words :)] & wrote a comeback. I don't want to go into who was right & who was wrong – but things had gotten pretty ugly on MM's blog.Kudos to you for voicing your side of the story with so much dignity=))Keep blogging!

  26. >@Shilpa: My hea dis firmly planed on my shoulders, don't worry!@Devaki: I think so…@Anon: And I wouldn't know any other way of doing it.

  27. >poor and too late a defense , D .With MM, she takes a stand all the time. Not everyone may agree with her or with how she does it but she leaves no room for no information / miscommunication. It takes a certain amount of clarity of thought to do so. I wish you had taken a stand right at the beginning of the unholy mess .. even if it was to say what you just said or to say you were keeping quiet because that is your way of dealing with confrontations.. it would have saved the bloodbath and name calling that went on in the blogosphere that everyone else merrily jumped into. By keeping quiet, your response or the lack of it does warrant a label of a coward. You probably wont publish this comment which suits me fine… the feedback is more for you than your readers – so as long as you get to see it. Jo

  28. >Your post on the entire episode is very honest and neat unlike the other that says "Read me, am the best, listen to me coz am right" kinda attitude.

  29. >Well, alls well, that ends well, I hope…Don't know the undercurrents thats been talked about, but I love your posts, thats the end of the matter for me…I wish people wouldn't analyse too much in this spaCE.Keep Blogging…D

  30. >@Mystic: I agree.@Aneri: Will do, will do.@Anon: Since this comment comes from an anonymous person, it speaks volumes about who's a coward and who's not.And since I didn't start the "bloodbath" I take no onus for putting an end to it. I didn't ask anyone to jump onto the name-calling bandwagon, did I? It's the people who took "a stand" (against something so trivial!) who must take responsibility for that!@B: Sometimes, we must learn from others' mistakes.@Sindhu: I wish that too!!

  31. >ok..i have noo idea whats going on here. BUT i love the way you write… Keep writing..Here's a BIG *hug* to you 🙂 🙂 Hope it helps 🙂

  32. >I meant peace! I have never read the other blog mentioned here but online debates/flames on forums are rampant. I believe you have much better to offer to your readers than clarifying. Not that there is anything wrong in that. But I believe, readers are mature enough to understand. At least I am 🙂

  33. >First timer here- hopped over from MM after all the controversy and unpleasantness…Hopped over and stayed on, reading, and liking :-)Dunno and don't care much about black and white, greys are a lovely colour too…I like to read MM, yes, but I like you too. quite a bit, from the little I read over the last day.

  34. >@Saima: Just skip this post in that case. And yeah, hugs are always welcome :)@Sangfroid: I understood. It was a joke! And I did credit most of my readers with the maturity to understand me without a clarification, but everyone didn't live up to that expectation. As long as there weren't people asking me, I didn't bother replying. But once the questions were directed at me, I could not have not clarified. But we're moving on. NOW!@Just Like That: The boon in disguise? Feel at home JLT.

  35. >good that this one came up! just saw the post….I am with Jo on this one..wish, you had taken a stance before all this before sh** hit the fan…all this was unwanted tamasha…i never commented on your other post anything negative..but was rather amused as to how people start taking sides even by not accepting that they are! unconcsiously Roop and GM did..but they batting the no, i am not taking stand' ball….and became extreely judgemental..and you were agreeing with them!am not for MM nor against you …am looking very neutrally….she was being rude to rude commentors…and Roop and GM are being sarcastic/./.so what is the diffrence? i would rather take rude comments than sarcastic smart alec comments…well! that is me!i dont think you will publish this! but i dont mind..now that it is clear from your side…it is indeed time to move one!- Radha

  36. >@Radha: You seem to have a lot of free time to come back here to start a discussion on Roop and GM when they aren't related to this post in any way at all.And the fun of publishing something like this is to allow you to make a fool of yourself in public!

  37. >yeah! right! just like the way you guys made yourselves to be! all narcissist and down right silly with those mud slinging…! whatever you say mam!- Radha

  38. >oh btw unlike you folks! i actually didnt have time…to come and keep picking on ur blogs and reading it…have much better things to do in life..and so this late reply! when u asked me on the other thread if i had gotten my answer, i realised you had posted on my question! and so that previous comment! anyways please dont publish it…coz i seriously think it is time to move on! and thanks for clarfying my question though!- Radha

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