>We are childless. So?

>I’m 29. I’ve been married long enough to have children. But I’m not a mom yet. Does that look like a problem to you?

I’ve had kids around me since I was 14, when my first niece was born (remember, I lived in a joint family?). I’ve seen plenty of kids delivered and reared and I’ve never claimed to have felt anything like a mother to them, though they do seem to me like my own children. I have cried when my niece cried with pain the first time she was poked with a needle and I’ve cried with joy when I saw my newphew performing at his first annual day in school. I know I haven’t carried a child in my womb and I know I haven’t felt the physical pain of delivering a baby, but I can still understand what it must be like, can’t I? I can understand that it’s incomparable, because I’m a woman if not a mother. How can you not understand that?

To have people throw it in your face like it makes you inept to understand life is unfair. I don’t tell you that you can’t see things objectively because you’re a parent. I don’t tell you you’re blind to your child’s faults because you’re a parent. Because I understand how parenthood makes you what you are. If I can appreciate your point of view without being a parent, why must you negate my opinion because I’m not a parent?

I don’t want to get into the reasons of why after 5 and a half years of marriage I’m not a mother yet. But understand what stupid part of me would go around reading momblogs and playing with my friend’s kids. Understand when I take out time to reach out to my little nieces and nephews what it means. Understand that it’s not nice to be excluded out of things because I’m not a mother. If I can share with you the joy your child gives you why can’t you share with me what it means to be childless yet happy? No thank you, I do not want your sympathies, but I also don’t want your cynicism.

I have friends who tell The Guy and me about their financial planning and when we don’t agree with them, they say it’s because we are not parents. We are not, but we aren’t dumb either that we may not be able to envision a future with kids.

When I talk of my career aspirations, my friends tell me I won’t care for all these things once I’m a mother. Perhaps, I don’t deny the possibility. Perhaps not – how would you know? Are all mothers cast in the same mould? What if I do care for a career post-motherhood too – would that make you a better mom than me?

I tire of hearing how I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m not a mother. And it hurts when a fellow blogger tells me she wouldn’t get what I’m trying to say because she’s a mum and I’m not. It hurts because it takes away from my argument not because my argument is weak, but because I’m not a mother.

I cannot look at my mother anymore without reading in her face the question mark of why I don’t have a baby. No, it’s more than a question mark – it’s disapproval. I have friends telling me I should think of having children even if I spend my nights thinking of whether I’ll last in this house another month. I have other friends telling me they sympathise with our parents because they aren’t grandparents yet. I have well-wishers telling me rickshaw-wallahs also have children even though they don’t have financial security and that there is some logic in it. And all this when I’m not even saying that I don’t want to children. I am supposed to understand why your lifestyle has changed because you have a child to take care of, but you can’t understand that I am happy with or without a child? Does that bother you – that we are so happy as we are?

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82 responses »

  1. >That’s not an argument at all, D that you’re not a mother. It may be a way of silencing you, because she couldn’t think of a reply. Of course, it’s hard to say taken out of context. Don’t let it bother you. It’s your decision if or when you want kids.

  2. >I don’t know why a woman’s identity is linked to motherhood…Don’t worry about what people say – be who you want to be, do what you want to do…It’s your life after all…

  3. >Well, as I understand this post comes after some (or maybe many) unfriendly conversations.It is easier said than done but I’ll still say – “Your life, your call” Anybody … Nobody has the right to dictate it 🙂

  4. >yeah, thats kinda like when people tell me i am not capable of understanding womens problems because im not a woman… but yeah point taken… and im sure you are capable of deciding for yourself when the time’s right… i dont think anyone needs to lecture you on that… ultimately you r happy inspite of it, and everyone knows that.. and ultimately you are responsible for your life and decisions and you know more abt your situation… (or did you prefer advice? :P)

  5. >I read your blog soemtimes and saw this post and had to comment.You live your life the way you want and you bear the consequences of it. WHy should people bother? I am in the same boat(3 years to marriage and no kids) and people dont let me live in peace!

  6. >That you don’t have children is a stupid shallow argument. They probably would not like you to say “Because you do not have XYZ degree”. Dont let it bother you. I know this is easier said than done, but just dont pay attention to them. I have friends in the same situation- and I can understand how it hurts (people usually do not get at me like this, I have a way of replying back sarcastically, I once said “seeing how everyone seems to have sea changes in their lives post babies, it drives the urge out of me” – rude I know, but they had no business telling me what to do. And I reply to “any good news” with details about my career, pretending not to understand what they mean). I think you are just too nice. Be rude once in a while, will do them a world of good.

  7. >been there D before Ojas was born, those stares poke u hurt u but live ur life as u wanthave a kid only when u want that is if u want… its ur life. dont let them bother difficult i understand but then if it gets to u too much come here rant and get it out of ur system(((hugs)))

  8. >Well, this is the reality of life. Everyone around us expects things at every point of time. I have just finished college and my relatives have already started match making, if i say no, then they give me the weird glances. And when i’l get married, there will be expectations again. Majority of people think it is their birthright to meddle in other people’s business.

  9. >I can understand why u are upset…The ‘child bearing’ expectations in our society are ridiculous…Its’ totally upto u and the guy to decide… And as far as the people who try to tell u that u are inept because u are not a parent yet, they are just silly. Try not to take it too hard…I too feel terribly irritated when people tell me that I won’t understand something because I am not a mother. I have been with too many kids (cousins and neices and nephews) that I have a good idea how kids are. I feel like telling these parents that they’ve seen just one kid grow up, but I have seen a dozen.

  10. >@Alankrita: I try doing the same – responding to queries about ‘good news’ (isn’t that a detestable term, btw?) with what’s going on in my life, but then they come all out and SAY it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrh. The worst part – these are always people about my age, ex-friends or classmates… Relatives have always been way too polite to say anything like that.

  11. >D……its your life, you have to live it your way. Your mothers stares I can understand, but people…I am sure you are intelligent enough to ignore such people.You are right when you say…I know I haven’t carried a child in my womb and I know I haven’t felt the physical pain of delivering a baby, but I can still understand what it must be like, can’t I? I can understand that it’s incomparable, because I’m a woman if not a mother????You have your head firmly on your shoulders dear…so live life the way you want..its yours , you owe it to yourself to do what you want…I guess this is it..Does that bother you – that we are so happy as we are?..have you heard that song…Kuch toh log kehengay, logon ka kaam hai kehna…

  12. >you know, i understand every word of this. i’m just on the other side of 30 and been married long enough to have either had the first child, on the way or actively trying. FAB and I are doing neither. We’re happy the way we are and how we’re living our life. Does that mean we don’t want kids. No. It means either one of us or both are just not ready and I’ll be damn if I do something because other people understand or don’t understand my situation, wants and needs.But there are thousands of people asking, probing, prying, gossiping, making judgements and even excluding us. So I understand your sentiments.The point is, our Indian society is like that only :). people will say things. Even if you are a parent, people WILL SAY THINGS. One cannot stop tongue wagging. So, I learned very early in life to live life the way I want and the way it makes me happy :). So damn to those people who say that you don’t understand. If they think you don’t understand then so be it. You live your life the way you want and how you want. You are not answerable to anyone but yourself.now that’s a lot of ranting, but it’s a topic close to my heart as well :).Bottom line is…fudge everyone else 🙂

  13. >I can so identify with you – coz I went through the exact same thing.. People assuming stuff, people pitying me, people assuming that I was too career minded, all sorts of stuff, they even gave my parents grief ! And I can’t tell you how much it irritates me – even now to just think of it! Just don’t give two hoots! Its your life and you should be the one deciding how to live it! When to have a child, or even whether to have a child are all very personal decisions and I only wish people understood that..

  14. >hey D:)Am kinda in the same boat..and totally understand.. i just hope people mind their own busines….I am lucky to have set of friends.. who do ask me this stupid question.. but again.. they wouldn’t be my friends.. if they ever hurt my feelings.

  15. >hey all i would say is that u are giving undue advantage to insignificant people.. and “u dont understand because u are not a mother” is the lamest thing i have heard ofeven i am quite there, u know married and wo a child.. the few who bother asking me this get to hear that yes, i have no plans of having kids.. EVER. and i am fine. i walk past with a smile as i see their jaws dropand u know what! i am yet to come across another person (except for very close friends) who is okay with the idea of a woman choosing to remain childless.. really.. and i care two hoots abt itSO, breathe D 🙂 some of us do understand

  16. >@Unmana: I know it is my decision, and don’t want to be hurried into making one.@Sraboney: I don’t why… The best is that The Guy doesn’t get a slice of this at all as if I have to make babies alone!@Sangfroid: Some accumulated experiences.@Avaran: I take full responsibility for my actions, but I resent having to give explanations for it as well.@Shilpa: So you can imagine what they must be doing to me after 5 and a half years!@Alankrita: I ignore them, but sometimes it just gets too much. I do tire of trying to fend off those queries all the time…@Monika: Thanks 🙂 It helps to have all the support when I come here and rant.

  17. >@Saima: It’s not even meddling that bothers me so much, it is the lack of their ability to understand that irks.@Jira: I know what you mean… But I refrain from saying that because I know what will come next: it’s different from being a parent. And I have nothing to say to that!@Unmana: About the “good news” bit, I had this very elderly relative for a house guest some time back who wouldn’t forget to remind me everyday I had to give some good news very soon! I got so bugged with her, I told her if she wants a kid so bad, she should go have one of her own! @Poonam J: I know that – it being my life etc. – but knowing the right things doesn’t always help us deal with the wrong emotions. It still hurts when people who are your friends/family don’t understand your PoV.@A: I think that living in such a closely-knit society makes it more difficult for me.@Smitha: I am so glad that there are people who know how irritating it is!@hmmlife: Oh yes, I know I’m missing out on this very beautiful experience of having a baby and seeing her grow, but I haven’t sworn myself to celibacy that I won’t ever know it! Amazing how people can’t see that.@I scribble here: Good for you! The thing with me is that I do want kids, I just don’t know when they will come! And till they don’t, I’m not going to be unhappy. Not so hard to understand?@IHM: Thanks for the support.

  18. >Why do you pay heed to the remarks of insignificant people who have nothing else to ask you. If you are in your 20s they will ask you when you are getting married. If you are married they will ask you so when’s the baby coming. If you have a single child they will tell you how important it is to have a second child. If you are overweight they will tell you how important it is to shed some kilos and if you stay in a rented but big house they will tell you how to cut on your lifestyle and save so as to buy a house.Just stop getting bothered and Let You be You and happy.

  19. >Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hain kehna…do kaan ishwar ne issiliye diye hain !!Have a child only if/ when you want…pssst…maybe all those moms are jealous of your carefree(acc to them ! ) lifestyle..

  20. >Who said you aren’t a mother? I believe every woman is a mother, irrespective of whether she has kids of her own or not. It’s not adults who give birth to kids, it’s the kids who give birth to the parents. And you my dear, as I could guess from your affection towards your little nephews and nieces, are a mother in all senses of the word…

  21. >sweetie i cant comment on whether you should go forth and or not but I will definitely ask you to go forth and have better friends.if you cant I would advice you to give them a ‘shut up call’ as in “you wont understand—you arent pretty enough” or “you wont understand–you have a penis” or “your lot wouldnt understand–you voted X”.I would also get bugged when no one would press on Gman to procreate (when it was his travelling that delayed project procreation) so I took to telling people (mostly in-laws) that Im not Kunti to dream a progeny or Mother Mary to have someone “blow over me” and I conceive.Now that there is a baby (and he is only three months) I have to stop myself from snapping every time someone sighs an artificial sigh and goes Poor Lonely Kid, why dont you get a ‘friend’ (read sibling) for him.

  22. >On second thoughts, maybe theyr right…. maybe you get to understand the depth of what youve got yourself into only when you actually become a mom, and till you become one, no amount of being around kids can equate with motherhood… oh, maybe! and i guess thats precisely what theyr trying to tell you… maybe!

  23. >@Reflections: To the point, I’d say.@sscribbles: I have spent the last so many years doing that but after a point it does get too much to handle.@myspace: Tell me honestly you don’t care for what others say?@The Double Inverted Commas: That’s a sweet thought, though I’m not sure I agree with it. A woman can be a woman without being a mother. @Aneela Z: That’s the thing – ppl don’t want to know why you don’t have children because they’ve decided it already in their head that we should have them by now.

  24. >Hey D. I got married less than a year ago and already ppl are asking me the ‘questions’. Telling me that ‘time is of the essence’ and ‘get it over with!’ and some more twaddle. GET IT OVER WITH?? Really? Having a baby isn’t what defines you or me or any woman. It’s sad that so many ppl don’t get that until it’s their own daughter, daughter-in-law,grand daughter, niece or best friend. I can only imagine how you feel. Looking at the comments, it’s a big club we’re all in! Tell everyone who says that to you to sod off, thank you very much.

  25. >Oh, and yes…I LOVE being a mom. It’s my bliss.But do I miss certain aspects of my life before my sons came into the picture? You bet!Hell, I miss TONS of aspects of my life before the husband came into the picture! So there you go!

  26. >agree completely with TDIC…life is there to enjoy and as long as you are enjoying your life to the fullest, you should not be bothered by anyone saying anything…easier said than done…but thats what the approach should be…keep rocking…

  27. >Well, I cannot say I appreciate the tone of the person who said whatever to you…But occasionally, I feel bad when someone I’m close to or fond of chooses not to have a child because it’s equivalent to denying the world another person just like you. Sweet, adorable and lovable. Namely, one of my sister-in-laws. She’s such an angel, it breaks my heart that she doesn’t have one of her own little ones.But yes, it is your decision… and most importantly, it’s a decision.

  28. >And again, with you on every word there. It does hurt to be expected to understand when a friend’s life changes irrevocably due to parenthood and yet the same friends choose to not understand or share in your happiness while not being a mother.It’s not an argument that holds no water as such, the ‘You’re not a mother and I am so I know better’ one… still, it looks a bit like an argument between an atheist and a sworn faith-follower. I hope you’re feeling better now, since venting.

  29. >This reminds me of the wonderful Kishore Kumar song, ‘kUCH TO LOG KAHENG’, logonka kaam ha kahna…’.Why bother what ohers say, they will have their two- penny bit of advice for everything…be it on motherhod or career. Life your life, the way you want to, is what I believe, though I too get affected by insensitive comments!

  30. >oh chill.. my best friend was 32 when she had her first baby and i was 30. Relax maadi..for situations like ours, a song was written in Hindi a long time ago.. kuchh to log kahenge.. If it helps, i have been thru this so can understand.. thats why i m telling u the only respite is to ignore..

  31. >When u let people affect you , u let them win. So let it not bother you. And yes motherhood is extremely challenging and one should get into it when one is ready for it, not because of someone or somethings.Though honestly its not the same..being a mother to your own kid and mothering someone else’s kids.

  32. >once again D, I could have wriotten this post!O give it back to people now and don’t take it lying down.Its horrible how invasive our society’s culture is.Everybpody thinks its their business to poke their nose in another’s business.And no, I don’t think being a parent or not has anything to do with whether one can “appreciate” a view point. Those idiots would have been idiots even without a child.Its all in the mind after all!Come to delhi, we should party together!

  33. >Guess what I am sailing through same thoughts..I have travelled to my hometown and everyone were looking at me as if i have done something wrong.Ofcourse I gave a damn to those but still it hurts sometimes..Tell me one thing..Those who question us about kids..will they take care of our kids??Its just time pass for people to discuss such topics..Going through Emotional rollar-coaster..

  34. >@Avaran: That’s exactly my point – I dodn’t claim to feel like a parent but I can imagine how it must be. Is that so difficult to reciprocate?@Rose: Sometimes, I actually think “getting it over with” would be a nice idea to shut up people!!@M4: I know being a mom must be s much fun, but again that does not mean I’m not having fun now.@rajnish: You’re right – easier said than done when you’ve had just about enough.@unsunng: 🙂 That’s just cute, you know, but having a baby is so much mor ecomplicated than spreading happiness around.@DewdropDream: I feel much better after the venting and the ranting 🙂

  35. >@Sindhu: I don’t think my friends and family are just “log”. And I do ignore all of this most of the times, but my cup of woes spilleth over!@How do we know: That’s what I say – just because I got married early doesn’t mean I should be having babies early too!@Chrysalis: Do you think this post sounds like a winning post?!And I do know parenthood is a life-altering thing. And I don’t argue with that. Honestly, I don’t ever think I’ve mothered anybody else’s kid either. All I say is I love a lot of kids and I can understand how much their parents must love them.@Chandni: You said it for me – they would have been idiots even without their children!@Sampoorna: I know what you mean!

  36. >I’v completed 2 years of marriage and I’m sick to death of people asking me abut good news. I turn around and tell them that though its none of their business and we have a child when we ourselves grow up :PThe most irritating are those of our generation who’v already had kids and feel entitled to thus give us advise, depsite the fact that their kids are probably the worst behaved ever and put me off the very idea of having a child.Thats aid we do plan on expanding our family, but only when we both feel that the time is right

  37. >oh well! c’est la vie! M’s bro used to throw “tumhaara hoga toh pata chalega” oe its variation “tumhaara hai nahi issliye keh rahe ho” at any argument we would make about anything!ofcos, jab hamara ho gaya we did do ALL the things he said they couldnt do because they had a kid! :pbut then we are too nice n civil to go and rub that in their face! so we shut up and do what we want to! period!only thing i wanna add D is that dont get negative towards the whole pareting thing BECAUSE people are pressurising you!i am l’il weird that way. i wont do something (that i even want) because others bugged me too much! hopefully you are more mature!and till then just have fun, Guy and you! :)hugsabha

  38. >what???? Dont tell me… You dont have kids even though you are married for more than 5 years.. One of the biggest crime one can ever commit on this earth… Isnt it..People who ask these questions should be counter questioned : What???? You had kids within a year or two of your marriage. Dont you have a life of your own. WEre you just waiting to get married to pounce on each other. Ask them, whether the ‘kids’ were an accident or planned.Also if they were so keen on having ‘kids’, why cant they go and adopt one rather than adding one more on ‘Mother Earth’ and making life even more tougher..Losers such people are…

  39. >I can imagine how you feel D! And think of the other side – folks who are trying to have a baby and keep getting disappointed and then some of these nosy parkers come along dropping hints and cracking jokes and asking why its taking so long?!!! 😦 It’s maddening at times!

  40. >this problem lies in our society since ages. till a girl is not married, the world is after her life to know ‘whats wrong’.when she is, they harass the couple for kids. everyone has their own priorities. and you cant go about explaining everyone. moreover, those who have it all never seem to understand.whats important is, if you’ve decided on something and you are sure of it, then these things can be handled. its tough, but thats how it is. hard to change…

  41. >I just dropped by your blog and found so many people passing through the same phase as I do…It’s so embarrasing when they ask you directly or indirectly,when their expressions changes and even more awful when they start scanning you…ughh…How do they feel that they have all the rights to do that…simply not acceptable.the solution is just do what you feel is right ,take your own decisions and don’t regret afterwards….Let the world say what they have to…Ignore themSorry if it was too long at the first step…fetch out some time and drop in at my blog ..http://www.itslifeblog.com.I am blogrolling you

  42. >@SMM: Precisely.@Abha: I agree parenthood can change you but not so much as to alter what you see as right and wrong in life. If that is the case with someone, they must be very immature before becoming parents.@Soulmate: When I don’t judge anyone for having children at 23, why do they have to judge me for not having a baby at 29?!@Devaki: I know what you’re saying. To have to give an explanation for why you don’t have children seems so undignified to me.@Nisha: I don’t even want to change the world, just expect people to accept that some people have changed.@Geeta: Yes, it is funny how so many people feel the same thing, isn’t it?@Formerly sansmerci: I believe it’s more of conditioning than anything else.

  43. >Oh wow.. All I want to say is.. Please don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choices. Choices that make you happy! Don’t! Big hug!

  44. >D, I think my first time here and I whole heartedly agree with you. I am a mother and I still don’t understand why a woman needs to be a mother to feel complete. It is perfectly okay to not have kids or to have just one or two or whatever. I know plenty of people who have children like a chore. Personally, I think one should have children only if they are prepared for parenthood. D, don’t let anyone bring you down. If someone thinks that you don’t belong in their group because you chose to be childless then to heck with them. This is your life and you have every right to shape it as you please.

  45. >I totally understand what you’re going through. In fact, I have a list of my pet-peeves. 1. “Finally tum bhi ‘line’ par aa hee gayi.” – When ‘they’ heard of my engagement.2. “Tumhare ‘would-be’ kya karte hain?” – I hear this all the time and it irritates the hell out of me.3. “Toh phir good news kab de rahi ho?” – Started three months after I got married.4. And a recent one-They: Toh phir baby kab ‘announce’ kar rahi ho?Me: Why don’t you place bets on it?They: What?Me: (in a tight voice) Err…nothing…no such plans yet.They: Planning-wanning ke chakkar mein mat parna…yeh na ho baad mein pachtaana pare.I hung up. Can’t beat them, can we?So D, I’d just say, take it with a pinch of salt and tell them to go go hang.

  46. >@maidinmalaysia: Thank you 🙂 That felt good.@Sirop: It gets to me that people can make me feel bad about the choices I make. @Solilo: Your first time here and you get to read this rant :S But yes, to heck with the mommy group!@Girl-next-door: Haha! Too much, I tell you.@Mystic: I do ignore them most of the time. Just some times, it gets a tad too much.

  47. >Hugs. Hugs.i have heard these stupid arguments so many times that it doesn’t even bother me anymore.just ignore them D, and rant on your blog.

  48. >Its a mindset, and a clear example of how people try to transfer THEIR ideas onto others! Its pathetic really. One thing, there will ALWAYS be people who will make comments, and judge you based on their criteria. You just have to deal with them, and then associate yourself with people who are on the same wavelength as you. I am a tad (and I mean tad! :)) bit older than you, not married and no kids, and I am fine the way it is. Are there people who want me to be otherwise? Sure, but then I just ignore it, as Sraboney said, ‘its my life’. I love kids, adore my nephews, but I’ll do what I have to in my own time. And thats how its goign to be. 🙂

  49. >You just spoke my mind. I hate mingling with those new mommys who go on ga ga about the parenting thing and stuff. I have upfront told people that it is none of their business why I am not having kid. I think this total mother hood thing is over rated and glamourized. oh yes how can I forget that saying “you will not understand because you dont have a kid !! ” Bullshit !!

  50. >@Chakli: I know what you mean.@SSQuo: I think it’s so cool that you can be what you want to be without being bothered about what others think. I’m half way there, as in I don’t stop being who I am, but I still get bothered with what people say.@Blue Mist: You go girl! Strong sentiments and I so agree.

  51. >My dear, It is your life, do what you want to do. Do not pay heed to insensitive bitches. I know the mommy blogger who hurt you. According to her being pregnant and having kids has been her life long ambition, so be it, but she has no fucking business to insult you like that. Half the time she spends judging moms who work, now she herself has a job so that has shut her up. Any way, like I said, do not pay heed to that insensitive bitch.Ayona

  52. >a guy ( ambitious et al ) only wants to have kids because it looks like a “well rounded success”. anyway my wife ( who should not be ambitious and provide stability) will take care of my kids !!!

  53. >oh god. this sounds like my life. how did I miss reading your post earlier. I’ve been married 8 years and no don’t have a kid. I have a suspicion most people I know are beginning to pity us. How do i explain to them that we are happy the way we are. And also that there is nothing wrong. I have a friend who has this high handed behaviour of – so what if you’re working and earning money, I have a baby. I mean are the two even comparable? It’s like apples and oranges.She negates all me achievements with that one comment. Anyway I’m too chilled out to bother. The only thing that upsets me are the worrying looks of my parents.

  54. >@Ayona: 🙂 What do I say except you’re right!@Sue: I get that feeling too.@Anrosh: It’s just easier for men to get their “well rounded success” than a woman! Thankfully my husband is more supportive than that!@Mumbai Diva: Good for you! I’m so glad you’ve made a choice and can stick to it. And I know what you mean by those worried glances from the parents. That’s what bothers me the most too. But then I think, well, they don’t live their lives the way I want them to, so how can I live mine the way they want me to!

  55. >Heck, how should that matter??its all a matter of choice that some of us are parents, others want to take more time. and disapproval? because you are not a mother? the people are too judgmental. stop bothering about them. you are you and you are the best…

  56. >another powerful writeup out of u. today, i had a ‘friend’ ask me the same question. “you are close to 30,” she said. i said , “no i am not. i m 27 barely.” and she said in response, “well close enough! you better get a child soon”it’s an unwanted expectation, yes .. but don’t bother with it. like everyone said, it’s only worth it when you are ready. 🙂 of course, you know it.

  57. >Hi there, I had read this post, before and then I chanced upon the other blog and then came back here. And this time I feel compelled to write because I don't think that the other lady is being fair at all by mentioning things on her blog. I can understand that you must've gone through enough to write what you did and I respect the fact the you never tried any personal attacks. I found it shocking that the lady's gone and written a post about it. You go girl. Its your blog, its your space, and your friends commenting. Ignore the rest!

  58. >Hi- Loved the post- Dropped a mail too. Been married for seven years-Both of us enjoy our work, have a very close circle of friends; we work ourselves out over weeek days and party on weekends- Don't seem to feel that anything is lacking as of now. I love my life, the way it is and am not apologetic about it.

  59. >You must have received countless comments criticizing you, and you publish one where a reader sympathised with you..Good going.@ThoughtSafariSo, you wouldnt mind if I call you or D a bitch 🙂

  60. >I am leaving this, rather long, comment on three blogs: MM, D and Roop: pretty sure MM will not publish it, maybe D and/or Roop will.Background disclaimer: MM and I have disagreed before, on the issue of smoking for those who remember that discussion. After she started censoring my replies, posting bits and pieces to suit her needs and calling me all kinds of names (but, she handles dissension well and is always polite according to her supporters) I decided to bid her adieu. I still read her, among other desi bloggers, mainly to see how much India seems to have changed since 1986, which is when I left at 21 (yes, I am much older and wiser than most of you). I have never left comments on Roop and D’s blogs: the only tenuous connection with D is that I spent 5 wonderful years in Lucknow, possibly even before she was born.So, let’s get to the point: my opinion is that MM CANNOT handle people who disagree with her, gracefully. She puts them down and gets away with it, but when the same is dished out to her she behaves like a spoilt child and runs into the arms of her unquestioning supporters to rally behind her. Those who disagree with me have obviously not been on the receiving end of her completely uncalled for vitriol. One has to grovel at her feet before, during and after expressing a dissenting opinion to not be termed rude. She, however, has completely different standards for herself. Cut and pasted from one of my replies to MM, which she never published: on the smoking thread, in response to one of her faithful followers who thought I was being rude to the oh-so-polite MM:“If you are still reading this, and your good buddy allows this comment to appear, please go back and read post #63, my first post and then #66 and # 68 and then come back and talk to me about manners and who needs to learn some, okay? Terms like "ridiculous", "butt out", "pathetic pictures" I was supposed to have painted (where?), comparing me to "trash", accusing me of "trying to hide" because the lady is unaware of wireless laptops that can have different IP addresses, being "sick of" me, deleting my comments because she has no coherent reply to them… really good manners, yes?”She recently wrote: “I certainly haven’t gagged anyone.” There is at least one reader out here who she certainly has gagged.Until Roop came along, I seriously thought MMs comment space was some kind of twilight zone with weird rituals being performed to honor the great MM. Seriously, I am surprised at the total lack of questioning from MM supporters. D’s article was not all about MM, and MM did say in one of her replies to D: “And I guess I’ll never see it your way or their way – because now that I am a mother – i can only respect how she carries herself and them, holding her head high and STILL getting work!” D takes issue with the “because now that I am a mother” bit, somebody else calls MM a bitch (see above for equivalent terms used by MM to address me), D agrees, and suddenly all of desi womanhood (and a few gallant men) are up in arms in MMs defense. Quite amusing really. MM: If you publish this, please don’t bother replying. I was done commenting on your space some time earlier but the clear lies you perpetuate on your blog (publish all posts, never gag anybody, etc.) just got to me. Good bye.M

  61. >@ThoughtSafari: I think there's more to my life than a post either on my blog or someone else's, so ignoring the rest comes easy to me!@Minal: Yes, I did receive your mail, thank you for taking that trouble. And am glad to know you're so sure about where you stand. That's how it should be.@Anon 1: Which Anon are you? "Ok" to what?@Anon 2: No, I haven't received a single mail criticising me. But you wouldn't believe me from the safety of your presumptuous anonymity! I think my critics are spending too much time on venting their ire on someone else's blog. And by the way, all the critical comments have been posted by "anonymous" people. How interesting is that?!@Anon 3: See now that's people want – that you take specific names while criticising someone. Well done!And hey, what is this Lucknow connection you talk about? I'm curious!

  62. >D, You are the one who started the whole thing by indirectly talking about MM and accepting troll comments. Now suddenly you became a saint and talking like a victim !!!! Regarding the Anon supporter who put the long comment in and the Roop gal both sound like sour grapes to me. MM's popularity must be getting to you girls and just getting into cheap gimmicks to get attention.

  63. >@Ria: Said what you wanted to? Happy? Good. Because that's the only purpose your comment will achieve. You came here to judge me, not to know what I think. So I won't bother with what you think.

  64. >D, you are right to have your opinion. When you want to become a biological mother is completely up to you. In caring for your nephew and niece you have already experienced mothering. A mother is not just someone who conceives and delivers a baby. I have a very close friend, who miscarried her first child and cannot conceive again, but she mothers all kids alike, whether of a coworker or of the office help. She in my eyes is a true mother. MM in her self-absorbed, egocentric wisdom has negated the motherly feelings of women who have adopted children, surrogate mothers, who have experienced mothering through our nieces, nephews and children of friends and other relatives. Physically delivering a child, does not make you a mother. Living in the US, I see girls as young as 13 getting pregnant. Some of them only so that they do not get deported. Anon who wrote criticizing MM, I couldn't agree more. She "chooses" her criticism. She says Shame to people who lift articles verbatim, but is OK with taking snippets of your comments and passing the words as her own. D, I wish you all the very best in life. Choose to "get pregnant" when you are comfortable. To all other fellow commentators, who do not have children of their own as yet, take heart. If we are meant to experience the physical feeling of delivering a child, that will happen.Someone larger than all of us has plans for all of us. Sorry about the long comment.

  65. >Mystic, did you read the original post by MM on Malaika Arora's stretchmarks? I understand that you can love a lot of children as your own – I absolutely adore several kids who are not mine. But the physical pain of delivering them and wearing the stretchmarks all your life are a different thing, you know. The post was entirely on how we shouldn't feel ashamed of it. She never said "you aren't a mother so you won't understand." She only said "since i'm a mother and you aren't, our perspectives differ." What's offensive about that? Won't you and I have different POVs on various issues based on our cultural backgrounds, age, etc?

  66. >@Mystic: I agree with you that you don't need to have to have delivered a child to be a mother. However, I have no clue what MM's stand on this is and don't care for it either. So can't comment on that.

  67. >@inbavalli: I could argue with what you're saying but you are coming here with the presumption that this is a post in reaction to someone else's. For the last time, IT IS NOT. So please do not begin an exchange on who said what and meant what. Unless you can get inside someoneone's head and read their mind, stop assuming stuff and move on.

  68. >ok! it is not!ie, the post was not in retort to MM's blog… but what is ur whole take on your reply to Ayona's comment? may be if you could clear that, this whole mess could be put to an end?D – the problem i see here is, you and Roop keep making snide remarks…a touch and go sort of reply which makes you look smarter but the issue is with that one comment on Ayona's part….twisted the whole thing!am not here to battle anyone;s battle..but this whole thing was really unwanted one…may be the final closure could happen if you come out with why you accepted for Ayona's comment…you may feel free not to publish this…but replying to this will draw a full closure…and people trying to take stance and such…can shut up their mouth and blog posts…it is really unnerving to see hypocrites…everywhere in this blogworld!sanctity of such blogs are lost!my 2 cents…- Radha

  69. >Didn’t mean to imply that I knew you or anything: just that I was in Loreto Convent Lucknow, 1977-1982, and have never been back. Have fond, fond memories of the city.As for the MM brouhaha: frankly I don’t know what went on between the two of you over email, but I do know that MM lies through her teeth and I just couldn’t stand by and let her revel in her self-proclaimed martyrdom. For instance she has repeatedly claimed that I have accused her of causing asthma in her child, her latest being: “So it’s really easy for someone like the rude MG to take my argument on Shahrukh Khan’s right to smoke and start off on how I am the cause of my daughter’s asthma.”. This is what I really wrote, as a mother of an asthmatic child to another: “Your child was born with it and nobody is blaming you for it, but as a parent it is your duty to manage it responsibly.” She never published the entire comment, instead choosing to label me a troll intent on attacking her.Somewhere on her front page, she needs a disclaimer: “A single comment disagreeing with me will be allowed only after “n” comments praising me have first been made, where “n” tends to infinity. “n” will be reset to zero after the first dissenting comment.”I leave it up to you whether you want to publish this comment or not. I really have no desire to prolong this any further.M

  70. >@Radha: I hope you have got your answer.@M: Loretoite, eh? :)But please, can we not discuss MM or any aspect of her which is not relevant to my blog?

  71. >o boy! Girl, You seem quite clear on how you want your life pan out, and despite what the real world will say or not, it's your life. You should, and sounds like you are, are quite happy with your decision. Getting into an online brawl is really a sheer waste of time. Unless they are an important part of your life, explaining yourself is also un-necessary. Something am learning myself. It has everything to do with our blogs being a space for our feelings and raw ones at that I presume? It was for me at least, until crap shot up. :)Donno enough of this online war, but you know silence helps and yeah, do what makes you happy. Ultimately, that's all that matters 🙂 Mystic put it well, I tend to agree..

  72. >came here, thru a link sindhu gave, on one of my posts. then followed the dog fight. if it's out of concern, tolerate the meddling, but if it's just curiosity, give it back. and hope what you wish for is what you get.good luck.and about 'blogwar', if it's any consolation, from a total stranger… i think you were dragged thru this nonsense unnec.

  73. >well guess what..they are just jealous of you…who knows..they probably "caved" when people pressured them into having children..and instead of saying that they regret it… they "blame it on you"…..don't bother abt them… i'm married 4 years and no kids..and is still thinking abt it… i searched articles,read books on my dilemma… most said that most women will regret when they reach their 30s and is surrounded by friends who have kids… and so i hesistated and feared that it will come true…. but yet i don't think i want a kid… and then, i read in another article, "it's better to regret not having a kid, than to regret having them.." and it enlightened me… it's so true… it will be so unfair to the kid to be born into this world…and i secretly regret it… that's just plain terrible right??? so… don't have a kid unless you're absolutely sure… and as for those people… scr** them.

  74. >The only correct way, is what you feel about it. D…..people donot matter. If you are happy with it then so be it. It is nobody's business but your Husband's and your's. However, without wanting to sound intrusive or preachy….do look atthe matter from physiological point of view. They say the best quality of eggs are produced when a woman is in her twenties.

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