>Privacy Settings for Couples

>How do you set your privacy settings as a couple – Low, Medium or High? And where do you think others ought to set them?

Why I’m asking this is because I perceive the relationship between a husband and wife to be made of stuff that I categorise as extremely private. If I fight with The Guy, I like to keep it within the four walls of my bedroom. I hate the idea of either one us being loud enough to be heard by anyone outside our room. I hate also the idea of our reason for fighting being analysed and judged. Because in an argument between a husband and a wife, no one’s ever right or wrong. I hate the idea of what transpires between us becoming fodder for anyone’s thoughts or comments.

Not that I want to put up a charade. Not even that I want to portray us as a couple who never fight. But I believe that as two mature adults we can handle our difference of opinions, we can resolve quarrels and we can do without mediators. And if we can’t handle a quarrel, well, what can we handle? The day I have to bring out an issue between me and my husband before others, that would be the day I need to re-think why I’m married to The Guy.

I do not suggest that if you have a rough marriage, you keep it under wraps. Go seek help if required – counselling, therapy or whatever else will work for you – but don’t make a spectacle of yourself fighting like cats and dogs before the rest of the world.

Those are just my thoughts. I know of couples who are more than happy to bring their fights out into their living rooms. They even look to their family members to take sides and lend force to their argument. And sometimes that can get really ugly. The husband and the wife may reconcile a few hours later, but who wants to watch them wash their dirty linen in public while they’re at it? And seriously, to be stuck in the middle of two warring factions isn’t the best place to be in.

And a fight is not the only thing I deem private between a woman and man. Swing the pendulum the other side and I’m quite uncomfortable with blatant display of affection in public as well. Just as heated arguments before a reluctant audience are not part of my privacy settings, so isn’t making out in public. I’m pretty okay with a kiss and a hug or holding hands just as I am with a little dissent between couples, a brief flaring of tempers in full public glare. But keep the details of either your fights or fondlings to yourself.

Entirely my point of view, this. What’s yours?

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37 responses »

  1. >heheh agree with you there…however i am curious – what do you think of people who blog about it instead – both the fights and the sex life?Asking coz i’m guilty of doing both 😛

  2. >"The day I have to bring out an issue between me and my husband before others, that would be the day I need to re-think why I'm married to The Guy "Strong words D & I too had similar convictions, but one day they get broken & u still continue & try to forgive. 😦

  3. >well…I probably a lot like you in that respect.I hate to fight in public and the Boy and I have clear rules that our problems as a couple are strictly ours and we don’t bring them out.Light banter and teasing though is all out in the open!!!And our PDA is restricted to holing hands or a loose arm thrown around the other. Smiles across the room are hight though 😀

  4. >@Silvara: I wonder about that often… I know I wouldn’t be comfortable doing it especially if my readers know who I am. But there isn’t anything wrong with it, is there?@Monika: I’m sorry if I touched a raw nerve.@Abha: Yeah, me too.@Chandni: Same to same.@How do we know: Yes, this argument should not become an excuse for people who need to really get out of a bad marriage.

  5. >Being a privacy paranoid person that I am, I do not allow much of anything about my relationships in a direct way to become part of my ‘other’ life – on the net, in college, at home etc. I don’t feel anything more than the impersonal “I am in a relationship” is necessary to the world at large, and that’s the way it remains till date to everyone but my tightest circle.Of course, with marriages, it’s a wholly different thing! But I guess there as well, the impersonal “I am married” is enough, isn’t it?

  6. >ok so this is my first ‘married’ comment!loli dont believe in taking fights outside the bedroom…but sometimes u might have personal issues and they might keep u sleepless.at such times it might just be okie to share it with a friend with or without any advice from her.sometimes u just need that and i guess thats okie.havin said that i think we all need to draw a line somewhere and never have the need for third person to come and resolve.thats disastrous i guessokie…too much too soon 🙂

  7. >I have the same mindset as yours in this regard. I would hate for our fights to go public! And I would certainly not discuss them with anyone else. At east not until now. I don’t like PDA either. I don’t mind holding hands, hugging, or a quick affectionate kiss. But anything more intimate, ‘please get a room’. But PDA is so common here in the US, that I have just learnt to ignore it these days.

  8. >Ummm, my Kid#1 and DIL have a fight – and I pop some corn and watch! LOL, its been 2 yrs since they’ve been married. There have been some nasty ones that I have witnessed. I dont offer comments or take sides. But tempers do spill over to the living room. It is okay. Just dont ask other family members to take sides. If they do, it turns nasty.

  9. >@Prince: It certainly is enough, if it’s enough for you.@my space: The inevitable – like others getting a whiff of what’s going on – cannot be avoided.@Nisha: In hindsight, all fights seem trivial. Well, almost all. And then it’s so easy to discuss them with friends. That’s how it workd for me at least.

  10. >@Jira: Actually, there’s a whole cultural perspective of the issue. The Western world is certainly more open about PDA.@Mumbai Diva: Another of my ilk :)@Ritu: It’s rare when a person who’s witness to a fight will not end up judging either of the parties involved in it. You, I can well imagine, may be one of those rare types.

  11. >I HATE discussing my quarrels with anyone, expect when say it was a minor disagreement and I am quoting a humorous version of it for small talk (like TV channels – his and mine)I can’t understand people who go to mummy daddy to resolve their issues and get the whole family involved. It’s your fight, resolve it. Don’t try and bring in outside clout!

  12. >hi, i agree wid u that fight between couple should be a private matters, avoiding people/family to be in an awkward position when they re making u part of the fight, now in Europe we mostly don t live forever wid the parents so we don t have to suffer that often 🙂 As for the public display u said u re fine with a kiss or a hug, so i did not get what kind of public display u are not fine wid?C.

  13. >hmm privacy and the marital relationship…yara Sanjay Dutt sey poochna parey ga…after all he is the LAST word on the state of matrimony and decorum for the bharati nari in recent times.

  14. >i completely agree with the ‘fight’ bit. it should remain within the room per se. as for PDA, i feel it really depends on what the comfort level of other people around is. i mean, i wouldn’t lip kiss in front of my parents but when we were in india … for new years … yeah i laid one on him! i mean … i’d do as i feel … i wouldn’t start tonguing him in the middle of the world … but sure dont mind holding him tight and kissing him!

  15. >ok i guess not being married kind of disqualifies me for this discussion…but i think ive been guilty of doing both at some point or the other…the discussion of fights happens with people who are close to me from whom i tend to need advice…n the PDA is im thinking a young love thing? after the first few months of our relationship, the Boy and me did come down to just holding hands, or his hand on my back while standing and talking to friends…

  16. >@analogkid: Welcome to my space.@cluelessness: And when they are mom and dad themselves, they expect their children to take sides.@Cess: PDA that I’m not fine includes smooching, necking, fondling, feeling – making out!As for people who don’t live with tehir parents once they are married, well, it’s just as bad if you bring your fight out before your children, wouldn’t you say?@snippets: Interesting to see how many people actually agree with this!

  17. >@Aneela: I love your sarcasm. Lol!@roop: Exactly my point of view.@sunshine: Not really, anyone is qualified to have an opinion on this.And I’m not entirely in agreement with you on the young love thing. The Guy was averse to even holding hands when we started seeing each other. He still is. @Piper: The Guy’s privacy settings are even higher than mine as far as PDA goes.

  18. >@Monika: And for the remaining 5%…?@Shalini: Though I’ve seen that in some cases it doesn’t necessarily aggravate the problem, I’m still not happy doing something like this.@A: Right on.

  19. >Couples who fight in the open really make it awkward for the rest of us. Ditto or those who dry hump each other in public. I mean, get a room people. And make sure it’s not next to mine. Also, it’s irritating when you are in a situation wherein the person sitting next to you is fighting with their partner over the phone. Very few people have actual privacy setting these days.

  20. >@Monika: We do the same :)@Ramby: True. Which raises the question whether privacy settings are for yourself or for others’? @Nisha: Increased the font size. Does that help?

  21. >I am for the motion. Yes, the fights, affections need not come out. Its OUR life at the end of the day. I often refrain from discussing my arguments with people. Simply because, I will be okay with him in a few hours/days. What next?Very nice post.

  22. >Kinda funny, but somehow Boy and I cuddle pretty much EVERYWHERE.. and yet when we fight, it’s always always behind closed doors. I wouldn’t trust anyone else(apart from a psychoanalyst perhaps) with whatever we fight about – it would only be another ingredient in the mix. I get really really uncomfortable when forced to take sides in a conflict that doesn’t concern me personally! Sometimes, of course, I do turn up to a friend and say “We’ve had a fight, I want a hug”, but that’s about it. As for affection.. er.. different story :P. I’d greet him with a hug and quick kiss anywhere, and we tend to hold hands(or hug) anywhere we can get away with it. Can’t say I don’t give a damn how people react, but I apparently cannot get enough of cuddles!

  23. >D This is so confusing …I won’t think or bother much if somebody else is fighting and I can hear or see – I think it’s ok for people to share their problems with those they are comfortable with – specially friends. As newly weds we used to tell everything ( unimaginable today) to close friends … and even if it did create a bad impression – we were all in the same boat 🙂 But I’d throw a fit if someone tried to mediate without being asked specifically by both. Never happened, can’t imagine happening.

  24. >@Mampi: Thank you.@Suki: Cuddling and fondling are too different things: while the former is for me within the limits of acceptable PDA, the latter is not.@IHM: We often discuss or share our problems with our friends which is different from actually quarrelling before them. Right?

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