>Like quicksilver

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It happens involunatrily: I open my mouth and what comes out is loud, angry and something I’m going to regret later. It happens so often – I say something I didn’t mean to. More often, say it the way I didn’t mean to. That voice doesn’t seem like mine, the moment those words are out I know they’ll make me feel sorry! It’s like quicksilver, that moment: before I can touch it, it disappears. And while it’s there, it’s created a situation for me that I didn’t plan.

And then, I must take onus for it – those words did came out of my mouth! And no matter how much I want to disown them, they’re mine, will be mine to haunt me forever.

In retrospect, these moments don’t seem to have occured at all and I would easily forget them but for all the evidence around me that tells me I have erred, that make a moment a mountain. I see it in the faces around me, their exaggerated reactions, my conscience.

I have never been slow to take responsibility for my actions, to apologise. But often, there isn’t any time to apologise; I have already triggered a set of reactions that are ugly.

I have labored to keep my resolve not to repeat these words that are mine and not yet. But what voice inside me refuses to be quelled? What latent anger inside me decides to burst forth at the most inopportune time? Why will it not go away?

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2 responses »

  1. >what deep retrospection…anger that is not rehearsed…planned ..bursts forth instantaneously…is one that gives a sort of relief …..no matter what others are thinking!!!

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