Monthly Archives: April 2008

>Last night I got killed.

>Last night I got killed. Somebody stabbed me in the back. It was frightful but painless. I did not even bleed.

Last night I got killed in my sleep. It felt so real I was afraid I would open my eyes and find myself dead. I could think, so I should have probably known that I wasn’t dead. But I haven’t died before, so I didn’t know whether dead people can think or not. I finally cajoled myself into opening my eyes and found myself still on my bed in my room and nobody behind me. I was relieved and alive and scared, all at the same time. If I was alive, who had died, I thought. Was this a sign, a message I needed to decode? Was somebody trying to reach me through a vision? (I’ve read too many books that say such things happen to think of this even while my body was wracked with fear). I grabbed the phone and dialled The Guy’s number who had left home for an early morning flight just an hour ago. He was okay. I could go back to sleep.

I have never seen myself dieing before, even in a dream. When I’m extremely unhappy I wish I was dead, but I don’t have what it takes to slash your wrists, to gulp down a bottle of phenyle or anything that could kill you, to jump from a high rise, to hang myself from the ceiling fan – I have none of that in me. I would love to stop existing but I’m always afraid of what if these attempts go wrong? What if I don’t die even after doing any one of these cruel things to myself? That would hurt. And I don’t like pain. I wouldn’t want to be alive after trying to die. So I never think of trying.

But I’m digressing. Here I was feeling dead and this was no dream, probably a hallucination, a half-dream. But who died last night, I wonder…

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>Tag Hour

>

Last Movie You Saw In A Theater:

Juno. Awfully cute! Must watch.

What Book Are You Reading:

Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom. Not my type really, but good nevertheless.

Favorite Board Game:

Scrabble, Pictionary and now Scrabulous!

Favorite Magazine:

India Today – Because I grew up reading that mag

Marie Claire – Because it has style & substance

Better Homes – Ideas for the day I make my home

The Little Magazine – For stuff that’s actually worth reading

Favorite Smells:

The smell of food that mum cooks.

The way The Guy smells. Or all his things smell when he’s not there…

My latest Hugo Boss perfume!

Favorite Sound:

That’s a really tough one… I have no clue what that could be! Perhaps the chanting of mantras…

Worst Feeling In The World:

Loneliness.

What Is The First Thing You Think Of When You Wake?

“O God, I don’t want to go to work. I need a holiday!”

Favorite Fast Food Place:

Why would anyone want to know that? Does Barista qualify as a fast food place if you count the food?

Future Child’s Name:

It’s a secret I’m not telling!

Finish This Statement. “If I Had A Lot Of Money I’d…”

Blow it all up! Buy a beautiful pad for myself, do it up exquisitely, travel around the world, buy shit loads of jewellery, build myself a library, buy a power plate that would give me Madonna’s bod, buy everyone I love lots of gifts… Last but not the least, I shall donate some of it for charity.

Do You Drive Fast?

Depends on what you think is fast. I think I drive fast enough to be sometimes scared.

Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?

No, just a man. I’m definitely not into animals.

Storms-Cool Or Scary?

Scary, of course. Make me wonder about all those without a roof to hide under.

What Was Your First Car?

I don’t have a car that’s mine yet, but it would be an SUV.

Favorite Drink:

Frappe, fresh lime, white wine – in that order.

Finish This Statement, “If I Had The Time I Would …..”

Do nothing at all – you need a whole lot of time to do that!

Do You Eat The Stems On Broccoli?

Yes, aren’t you supposed to?

If You Could Dye Your Hair Any Color, What Would Be Your Choice?

Shades of brown and burgundy with a tinge of blonde. Perhaps.

Name All The Different Cities/Towns You Have Lived In:

Ha! That’s easy, I’ve lived in Lucknow all my life, stayed in Delhi for 3 years.

Favorite Sports To Watch:

Takeshi’s Castle on Pogo.

It’s not a sport? You kidding me?

One Nice Thing About The Person Who Sent This To You:

Nobody send this to me. I picked this up from MM’s blog.

What’s Under Your Bed?

It’s a box bed – nothing can go under it.

Would You Like To Be Born As Yourself Again?

Yes, if you can change everyone around me. Otherwise, no.

Morning Person Or Night Owl?

Night owl definitely.

Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?

Sunny side up.

Favorite Place To Relax:

Anywhere with friends.

Favorite Pie:

Pinneaple pie

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:

I’m always confused about that. Usually chocolate with anything else!

You pass this tag to:

Anybody who wants to take it up.

Who’s Most Likely To Respond First?

I haven’t the faintest idea.

>It’s April again

>

We’re half way through April and April doesn’t seem itself. So far, it has been mean to me. April used to be my favourite month, but since the last couple of years, it’s not being nice to me! I am disappointed – this is my birth month and there were times I used to be waiting for April right from May. Good things waited for April to come into my life. I met The Guy in April, for one: it was beautiful.

I used to lie excited and awake in my bed the night before my birthday. I loved the attention then, the waiting for gifts and greeting cards, the new clothes, the cake… Last year I took a complete U-turn and tried hard to wish away my birthday. It was the most depressing April I’ve seen in all my life: I could have dug a hole and gone into hibernation, which was so unlike me, especially me in April!

This one has been better, slightly, but not happy. My birthday is round the corner and I’m trying not to go into PBD – pre-birthday depression, if you know what that is. To avoid disappointment, I’ve given my husband a list of birthday gifts I want and expect and I’m glad that’s something I can look forward to. I’ve also decided what my birthday cake is going to be like: chocolate sponge cake layered with fresh strawberries and fresh cream, covered with another layer of chocolate sponge cake, topped with chocolate icing! Like it?

I intend to be happy this birthday, drunk too if possible and not emotional, if that’s possible at all.

I have already refused a diamond ring and diamond studs and a Waio laptop: I’m trying to keep my expectations low this year as far as gifts go from everyone except my husband. But I’m keen on celebrations everywhere – at work and at home.

Please don’t laugh at me, being happy on my birthday is serious stuff. And I’ve realised if I don’t plan it well, I’m not likely to have any fun. I can’t leave this to anyone else – making preparations for my fun – and I can’t wait for a surprise party that never happens. So here I am, trying my best to make things as peppy and happy as this April allows me to.

>Like quicksilver

>

It happens involunatrily: I open my mouth and what comes out is loud, angry and something I’m going to regret later. It happens so often – I say something I didn’t mean to. More often, say it the way I didn’t mean to. That voice doesn’t seem like mine, the moment those words are out I know they’ll make me feel sorry! It’s like quicksilver, that moment: before I can touch it, it disappears. And while it’s there, it’s created a situation for me that I didn’t plan.

And then, I must take onus for it – those words did came out of my mouth! And no matter how much I want to disown them, they’re mine, will be mine to haunt me forever.

In retrospect, these moments don’t seem to have occured at all and I would easily forget them but for all the evidence around me that tells me I have erred, that make a moment a mountain. I see it in the faces around me, their exaggerated reactions, my conscience.

I have never been slow to take responsibility for my actions, to apologise. But often, there isn’t any time to apologise; I have already triggered a set of reactions that are ugly.

I have labored to keep my resolve not to repeat these words that are mine and not yet. But what voice inside me refuses to be quelled? What latent anger inside me decides to burst forth at the most inopportune time? Why will it not go away?

>Gym-type things and D rules

> Gym rules by D:

1. You sweat, you stink. Use a deo, PUHLEEZ!

2. You’re here to exercise and not just your eyeballs.

3. They invented something called a sports bra for a reason. And that reason is your ugly, heaving bosom when you run on the treadmill.

4. Your two-inch heel shoes aren’t meant for the gym. And I’m talking strictly about the boys here.

5. You can talk to me. Just don’t expect me to reply.

6. When you use the change room, please don’t leave your stinky shoes there!

7. Usually, it’s considered better to tie your hair while gymming instead of leaving strands of it strewn on the gym floor, much to everyone else’s disgust.

8. Crotch-hugging track pants DO NOT make you look slimmer. Give them up.

9. There are people who join the gym to gain weight. Stop staring at them, they’re human!

10. Why can’t there be open-air gyms on days with good weather?

(This isn’t a rule, but this is my blog, so.)