>I am an independent woman. And it doesn’t help.

>

Sometimes, the burden of being an independent woman gets too much. It makes me too strong to lean on anybody, forces me to have a mind of my own on everything.

I devoured feminist literature during my college days and believed my economic, emotional independence was a right I couldn’t be denied. But it gets tiring, this fighting every minute to be what you want to be. It would be so easy to give up, but it isn’t. There are days when I want to let slip this whole idea of being an emancipated, thinking woman and wallow in nothingness. Be vain. Let people ride roughshod over me without minding it.

But there’s a voice inside me that won’t allow me to do any of that, spurring me on to shun all vestiges of dependence, holding me up when I would rather slump down and rest. It isn’t easy to carry on at all times, but it’s so difficult to stop or turn back now.

Sometimes I feel sad for women around me who haven’t come into their own yet. Sometimes, I feel jealous: wouldn’t it be easy to let others’ decide the course of your life, to go with the flow instead of walking against the tide? And here I am, struggling everyday with the small and big decisions of my life – from managing daily chores at work to thinking about when I can give it all up to have children, from trying to make a husband unlearn all that this patriarchal society has taught him to making small mental notes about how I would bring up a son, if I had one. I look at the big city women who won’t consider marriage at even 30 and then I look at my friends who have children at 25, and I wish I wasn’t stuck somewhere in-between!

It’s all too easy to say ‘Go with your heart.’ But opposites tug at my heart till I feel like a Faustus who has sold his soul to the Devil!

———————————————————-
“Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.
Think’st thou that I, who saw the face of God,
And tasted the eternal joys of heaven,
Am not tormented with ten thousand hells
In being deprived of everlasting bliss?”
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13 responses »

  1. >this is really true. can’t stay away from appreciating your empathy for women around you who haven’t come into their own yet, and are living a life that others have chosen for them. Amazing piece.

  2. >amazingly heart wrenching.Trust me, you are not alone. A lot of us are right there, hanging somewhere in the middle.We’ll get by…and we’ll be ok.

  3. >I love the quote Just Passing By left. It’s absolutely true and something I constantly say.It’s not easy to swim against the tide but you’ll never be happy if you don’t follow your own path, no matter how exhausting it is.

  4. >@Simplyme: Thank you Eram.@Jpb: You’re right, except that I don’t know whether it’s my heart or my mind that wants to clean up this mess!@Chandni: I know what you mean – we will get by and we will be ok!@Finn: Ironic, ain’t it, that the pat we choose is so exhausting?!

  5. >this was actually what i was thinking to write upon!ive been brought up in an environment where females are quite dependant. In every way. And i’ve always had friends who werent. fortunately i’ve imbibed lots from my friends, and trust me, its better to be independant. its only when ppl start looking upto u that it can turn dangerous!

  6. >just like it is very important to re-organise and re-prioritise your desk and your mind at work (at least) after every 2 odd hours.. the way the world and work is…I feel its imp to do the same with you mind and life in general at least once a month if not 6 months?what say?

  7. >@Standbymind: And that’exactly what I hate about it!@Nisha: I’m sure it’s better to be independent, but it is exhausting nevertheless!@Abhishek: I’m not sure if I feel upto that yet.

  8. >Nice blog.Is it this independence that causes the WANT TO LIVE Or is it dependence that will provide the LIVE TO WANT.. want what?? Want to be bugged by someone and find happiness in the miseries of togetherness???PS: No im not on drugs 🙂

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