Monthly Archives: March 2008

>I am an independent woman. And it doesn’t help.

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Sometimes, the burden of being an independent woman gets too much. It makes me too strong to lean on anybody, forces me to have a mind of my own on everything.

I devoured feminist literature during my college days and believed my economic, emotional independence was a right I couldn’t be denied. But it gets tiring, this fighting every minute to be what you want to be. It would be so easy to give up, but it isn’t. There are days when I want to let slip this whole idea of being an emancipated, thinking woman and wallow in nothingness. Be vain. Let people ride roughshod over me without minding it.

But there’s a voice inside me that won’t allow me to do any of that, spurring me on to shun all vestiges of dependence, holding me up when I would rather slump down and rest. It isn’t easy to carry on at all times, but it’s so difficult to stop or turn back now.

Sometimes I feel sad for women around me who haven’t come into their own yet. Sometimes, I feel jealous: wouldn’t it be easy to let others’ decide the course of your life, to go with the flow instead of walking against the tide? And here I am, struggling everyday with the small and big decisions of my life – from managing daily chores at work to thinking about when I can give it all up to have children, from trying to make a husband unlearn all that this patriarchal society has taught him to making small mental notes about how I would bring up a son, if I had one. I look at the big city women who won’t consider marriage at even 30 and then I look at my friends who have children at 25, and I wish I wasn’t stuck somewhere in-between!

It’s all too easy to say ‘Go with your heart.’ But opposites tug at my heart till I feel like a Faustus who has sold his soul to the Devil!

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“Why this is hell, nor am I out of it.
Think’st thou that I, who saw the face of God,
And tasted the eternal joys of heaven,
Am not tormented with ten thousand hells
In being deprived of everlasting bliss?”
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>A nameless relationship

>It’s a strange feeling to want to know somebody so bad you don’t care how you do it. When I first met The Guy I went on to marry, I knew I was interested, though my romantic inlination towards him came much later. And frankly, it didn’t matter. All that I was bothered about after that first conversation we had was how we could be together. He could be a friend, a lover, a brother – just as long as I could talk to him a little more, spend a wee bit more time with him.

When I met The Guy I was young, too young to know better than to tell him I’d like to tie him a rakhi, just so he wouldn’t think I was the kind of girl who went around chasing boys! Thankfully, he refused the offer and we went on to be lovers for 5 years before finally taking our wedding vows.

That’s how it has always been with me. When I like someone, really, really like someone, all I care about is how I can make that person a part of my life. It’s rare but then I do not bother with the relationship I have with him or her – a father figure, a friend, a fling (not had any, though), just anything, as long as it can be an excuse to be with that person.

I’ve made friends out of most such people. But not always. Sometimes the other person might not have found a reason to reciprocate my feelings, to want to know me better. It’s usually alright with me, but this time, I like this fellow so much – in a very platonic way – that I’m upset about his apparent disinterest in my life. He’s certainly not been my friend, but he has been rather nice to me in the past. However, he seems to have forgotten me now. And I’m perturbed by how he’s dismissed me from the miniscule part I had in his life only because he has been so nice to me.

It makes me wonder if a nameless relationship is a good idea after all.

>A roadmap, anyone?

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My Mum says God has a plan for all of us. And that no matter how many plans we make, only His will work out. Yet, when I look at people around me I marvel at how well they’ve planned everything in life and seem to know exactly how they want things to be: they marry, have children two years down the line, make smart career moves, invest in the right mutual funds, do whatever and I’m still meandering on a path that God has decided for me!

Sometimes, I grudge that I believe so much in what Mom says. Sometimes I grudge that God will not let us make our plans and stick to them.

For a very long time in my life, I did not know what I wanted from it. And that would have been better than having wanted something only to learn, with a bend in the road, that I’m on a different course altogether.

I don’t regret where that road has brought me today. However, I do regret not knowing where I’m headed to now. I don’t like the kind of adventure that takes me somewhere I never wanted to go. And I would like to know my destination, so I can prepare accordingly.

I’m not a vagabond who sets out on an aimless journey and makes the journey his purpose. And it troubles me to be living like one. Oh yes, I’ve done a lot of things in life that I wanted to, not everything in this journey has been accidental. Yet, I feel I haven’t done what I was meant to and that somewhere, I’ve lost track of the path I had set out on. And I hate to measure the cup of life and see it half full when I compare it to others’.

And then I think of what Mum says, maybe God has a plan for me….

>From last week

>A good fight is like exfoliation.
I got rid of a lot of emotional dead cells during my last duel. Ah! I feel cleaner, lighter. Like I’ve flushed the toxins out of my system.

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People who’ve done nothing worthwhile in life will let others do nothing.
A colleague is being harangued by her family because she’s almost 24, she comes home from work too tired to cook and she doesn’t want to get married yet. They’ve bludgeoned her into quitting her job because she has no time to learn what all women have to do irrespective of their professional qualifications – make rotis and manage their homes. And if she must work at all, she can study to be a teacher: an unambitious teacher who can come home just in time to serve lunch to her family!

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March 8 was Women’s Day.
So I made up this cheesy SMS and forwarded it to my friends. Of course, I believed in it too:

Grit and glamour,
Vanity and valour.
Courage and creativity,
Strength and sensitivity.
Beauty and brains,
Duty and pains.
Hot or homely,
Simple yet lovely.
Love and candor,
An inspiration, a woman, a wonder!
Celebrating all that and more today
Happy Women’s Day!

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To propose or depose, that is the question!

My friend is in a piquant situation. He likes a girl but worries his professional reputation may be jeopardised if he asks her out because she’s his client. He asked me for advice and I had no creative solutions for him except that if he really likes her, he’ll have to take a risk. What say?