And really, what an year it has been! Though I didn’t get to doing what I had resolved to at the beginning of 2007 (learn swimming), in retrospect, the year gone by has been one of new beginnings in so many more ways. I’ve travelled places, metaphorically, that seemed so distant when I was planning my journey of life. And they’ve been fulfilling, the experimental trips that I risked.
I left a job of five years, a place of social repute, some friends, an apparent position of power to do something that could have been a bad bet. I did the unthinkable: I made an irreversible decision without informing anyone in my family, and you know I am a family person. At the end of it, everyone did support that decision, but they all accepted they would never have let me resign from my job had they known I was planning to. I still hear a voice of dissent once in a while telling me it was a bad career move – but I know I’ve graduated from a job to a career finally.
Of course, there was regret for some time – I missed doing what I was so good at. But my new venture got me much more than I had bargained for: it brought me respect for my hard work and perseverance, my innovation and intelligence, love and affection from people who hadn’t seen that side of me. And it mattered to me.
Interestingly, five years ago when someone asked me where I imagined myself five years later, I’d said “As my own boss”. I’ve reached there, not knowing how. And it never occurred to me while I was on my way there that this is what I’d always wanted: to be the boss!
I compensated for the writing I had given up by starting my own blog. And I still love being here. No, it’s not as addictive as it used to be, and no, there aren’t half as many readers for it as I want there to be, but it’s okay. Maybe, my readers just don’t like to leave comments. Maybe, they just don’t know I exist. Or maybe, I’m so boring. But really, now it’s okay.
Because I’ve grown up. And not. All at the same time. I’ve left a lot of people behind, not as in a race, but as in emotionally, mentally. They used to bother me at one time of my life. Now, they don’t exist for me at many levels. It’s sad too that you’ve hardened yourself against people you once cared for, but it’s relieving. I feel freer.
But in another way, I’ve lost the freedom to trust blindly. There always is a hint of suspicion lurking below the facade of faith. And it kills my joy, breaks my heart and leaves me bitter. Was this part of growing up too?
I’m still learning that people don’t belong to us, that we don’t belong to people. It’s a tough lesson, but life doesn’t give you many options but to understand it sooner than later. That’s why 2007 has been a year of learning.
However, it has been a good year. I’ve done a whole lot of things I love to: eat good food, buy good shoes and lots of them, wear good clothes, spend good times with friends and family, get drunk on wine, earn money, party, live a good life. I could have travelled more, read more books, exercised more. But I’ll save that for next year!
When I look back at 2007, I’m glad it leaves me more happy than sad: because I lived every moment of it. I laughed and cried, loved and hated with equal passion – because my passion is for life.