If we could stand out of our realities, would our lives still seem the same? Just for a moment, if we were to view ourselves as not you or me but as a third person, how different would the picture be?
I try to think about how the same thing viewed from different perspectives can make all the difference. And it’s difficult to do that – think of yourself as another person. But just suppose I do manage the feat, how would I see myself?
For one, I’d see myself as having altered irreversibly over the last few years. I can no longer see myself as who I am without thinking about who I used to be. I’ve changed and I know you’d all have me believe that it’s only natural. But somehow, the changes jar me. And I find myself wanting to be able again to laugh like I used to, live free like I used to, love like I used to.
Somewhere deep down I still am the same person probably, but the creases that form with age are etched in my heart and not my face. I wonder when I lost the ability to see things with an unbiased eye. And I can’t think back.
In fact, I used to think about so much more than work and woes. And now there seems to be no time for any of those things that occupied my mind for so many years. I’ve begun to dream less, hope less. I probably have less time for any of that. And sadly, I miss my fantastical world. I’m too much of a realist now; I used to be a dreamer. When my perfect plans were thrown out of gear, I realised it doesn’t help to think of life ahead. And I stopped making perfect plans!
I also see how my relationships have changed because of how I have changed over the years. There’s more love, less passion, more tolerance, less compassion, more pity, less sympathy now – all in different relationships, of course. There must be something good about the way I’ve changed. But I can’t see it. If you like to call mellowing down good, then that’s a good thing I see in myself, but I’m not sure how good that really is.